Chronicles of the County

BP: Bodacious PrePonderance

2010-06-10T22:22:00.002-04:00

Well, here we are in the thick of it. Wouldn't you know this spill debate starts heating up about the time lots of politicians need to make themselves known in a vain effort to convince the rest of us into believe they are actually competent. So, amidst disaster we have lots of arm waiving and head bobbing. Wonderful.

All over the news you hear experts say BP is handling this all wrong, "we should use a nuke to seal the well!" one "expert" suggested. (hmmm oily shrimp for 5 years or irradiated shrimp for 50...think on that one.) Another thought an underwater avalanche should do the trick! We have movie producers calling the most talented engineers in the world morons. A president so concerned about dissing the media whilst proving to the rest of us he is capable of action that no one has quite figured out what he has done. Environmentalists crying about the tragedy, mayors crying about injustice, common folk crying about lost revenue, and Hayward griping about his own lost reality.

The two most common themes that seem to be popping up amidst heated discussion about the difference between the word "plume" and "cloud" are why isn't BP fixing this and why isn't the government making them? Every cry I've heard from a hundred interviews and commentaries is that BP MUST PAY. Fine, yes, they are responsible. I won't get into the oil economy/lifestyle aspect of this debate here. Obama and everyone else who has anything to do with this will stop at nothing to see that they wring every cent out of BP. Again, I will not absolve BP of blame. They deserve plenty of it...but amidst this cry of vengeance upon BP we would be wise to remember the BP is a finite company. The reason that their response has been haphazard and scattered is that they do not have the capacity to maintain production and clean up an oil spill. They are a for profit company that has no doubt shaved their staff right down to the bare minimum. Cleanup on this scale is simply beyond their 62 billion dollar a year capacity. The second every person who believes BP should pay them sues, and the liability cap is unavoidably lifted to astronomical amounts, BP will declare bankruptcy. If you bankrupt BP no one gets anything. The US government gets to fund the massive cleanup themselves. Other oil companies would immediately purchase BP's assets and leave a neutered, battered company with no facilities and all the debt liability. Oil companies would pull out of the US drilling market leaving us completely dependent on oil we don't control.

BP must be allowed to survive. It seems to me that BP should be required to contribute X % of annual gross to immediately fund liability claims and cleanup until both are adequately satisfied. The company continues to operate and folks get payed. Yes, this would make the time-line of compensation and cleanup stretch into 5 plus years, but at the rate we are going it will take 5 years to legally pry the money out of BP anyhow.

And to you folks who seem to think big business capitalist proprietary information is an affront to humanity get your socialist fingers out of this. The government hasn't fixed a thing in the banking market and they won't do any better trying to buy into the oil market either. People accomplish incredible things in the name of making a profit. Let these folks alone and see what they come up with. You can always sue them for fun later.

Something

2010-06-02T14:22:00.001-04:00

If you see something, Say something.
If you say something, Mean something.
If you mean something, You may have to prove something.
If you can't prove something, You may regret saying something.

-Rick Moranis-

Blow Out Preventer

2010-05-24T18:49:00.002-04:00

From Yahoo News:
"Others have blamed the administration for not doing enough, including former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who said Sunday on Fox News that Obama was being lax in his response to the spill.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs called the criticism ill-informed and suggested Palin needed a blowout preventer, the technical term for the device intended to prevent an oil spill from becoming a full-scale catastrophe. The phrase has entered the political vernacular since the one on the Gulf well failed.

"You've got to have a license to drive a car in this country, but regrettably you can get on a TV show and say virtually anything," Gibbs said. "

I think most folks commenting on this disaster need a blowout preventer. Earlier in this article and in other places more and more people are becoming angry that the government isn't doing more in the place of BP. Right, displace one of the only groups of people in this world that have the experience, motivation, and resources to bring whatever solution necessary. No, I do not have the utmost faith in BP for them to ignore their profit margins and mediate this spill. I do, however, see them engaging and addressing the issue. It's a start. The true test will be if after the loose flow is contained and they've opened the well up to controlled profitable oil flow, will they still remain committed to environmental cleanup.

The most important question that needs to be asked, in the face of lay-person after lay-person venting their upset frustrations and anger at BP about this, what truly is the your individual contribution to this disaster? Most of us are certainly comfortable with the standard of living petro-chemicals have provided us. We created the driving demand that pushed BP to expand production so recklessly. Are we really going to blame oil companies for satisfying the demand we so thoughtlessly created? Absolutely, BP could have operated to a much higher industry standard in spite of the fact what they do is inherently risky and experimental to begin with. Risks are part of the game. Equipment failure is always looming, and there is always someone ready to point a finger. But is this global capitalistic economy it is the Consumer that drives the machine, not CEOs or government bureaucrats, us. We were all given brains and tasked with asking questions and making informed, responsible, long term decisions. Look at your own life. How much oil was consumed in providing the beef for your table, or the sweetener in your soft drink? We helped drive the destruction of the Louisiana wetlands. Ponder this before you accuse BP of destroying the world.

The live feed of the leaking riser opening.

http://www.bp.com/liveassets/bp_internet/globalbp/globalbp_uk_english/homepage/STAGING/local_assets/bp_homepage/html/rov_stream.html

My Favorite Contract Line:

2010-05-18T08:16:00.001-04:00

FORCE MAJEURE - The Company shall not be responsible or liable for any delay to service the Buyer’s equipment, or provide replacement parts therefor, if such delay or failure is caused by any act of God, fire, flood, explosion, war, insurrection, riot, embargo, action, statute, ordinance, regulation or order of any government agency, shortage of labor, material, fuel, supplies or transportation, strike or other labor dispute, or any cause, contingency, or occurrence of any nature, whether or not similar to those herein before specified, beyond the Company’s control,which prevents, hinders, or interferes with the performance of said services or the supplying of said parts.

Yes, it was an act of God that the walmart on the way to the service site had an irresistible in-store Dunkin Donuts.

Spectre of the Past

2009-06-23T23:43:00.003-04:00

I know I've used this title for my sidebar...but it truly carries some meaning for me.

The past is funny. You want so vividly to remember some good thing, some redeeming factor (good or bad) that might validate the state you find yourself currently. The problem with this particular strategy is that you begin to twist the past into funny distorted versions of what actually happened. It is no doubt my past is subject to my bias. I simply refuse to admit there is no limit to my ability to twist it. I've been sifting through hundreds of pages I've saved from the last four years and I've discovered a vicious truth: the past will always change you. Every time you look back at it a little piece of you changes. With every AIM conversation I've saved, with every frantically scribbled page your perception changes from one of calm composed reflectance to truly regretful determination. The table turns now. I search desperately for a clue that I'm not the person that wrote those scribbled letters. That man who tried so hard to make the people he cared for understand that things weren't as simple as they appeared. Every solemn accusation and every word of hurt rings true as it ever did. If your not careful those words will drag you right back to the very time they were written. Those blurring moments when you walked out of an exam you know bent you over the table or even those sweaty palms that were left tightly gripping the pillow that was just thrown at you in contemptuous disgust.

Quite simply, if you get lost in the moments you can't do anything about then you've doomed any hope of a future where those moments aren't created. The past will change you. Every time you look back at it. Flowery moments of fleeting grace. Every blistering regret must be dealt with and sent away. Don't fear your past. It's the easiest way to drive over the same cliff you just spent the last 4 years climbing out of.

Personally, I'd rather only find out what my body does when I reach the bottom once.
So, I toss the papers that only feed the fuel of my despondence and learn from every puff of smoke as they waft away. The lessons are what you must carry.

Business Trips

2009-06-08T22:24:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago I encountered my first business trip. Haas sent me to Milford CT to become certified as a quality rep by Sikorsky helicopter. Rather, my official title just added "Designated Quality Representative for Sikorsky Helicopter Systems of United Technologies Corporation". What all of that foolishness actually means is I spent three days in a brand new hotel that charges 11 dollars for a bagel, sat through 24 hours of some of the most cumbersome, dry, and monstrously frustrating slides of detail after detail and thanked God for my ample imagination. I always knew the precision manufacture industry could be dry. These last few days enlightened me to a much more discouraging level. An example: Of the 150 reps in attendance, I was at least 10 years the junior of the rooms average age. I had the least complicated phone with, apparently, the least amount of desire to continually use it. Most amusingly, I was one of about ten people in the entire room I ever saw smile. In fact, my table of 8 were considered outcasts of the entire room...we laughed. During one project in which we had to decipher complicated spec drawings in groups, my table was stared at by every person in the room at least twice. A great feeling...really.

In short, I was sent to gain a title so I could be taught to do something completely unrelated. Bizarre I know. Just move on. What I gained from this experience was interestingly valuable. Firstly, I learned how you write down the instructions to assemble ultra precise flying machines. Levels upon levels of redundant instructions encumbered with often 6 separated quality checks or more come together in the thousands to build one section of a helicopter. Secondly, business trips are fun. Your shoved in a room full of people who'd rather be texting or managing and be given the privilege of watching them squirm as they try to make everyone think they already know this stuff. Positively entertaining.

Lastly, I learned that I enjoy learning. I enjoy creating knowledge. Making connections between multiple pieces of information that build together to make something completely different. This business trip freed me up to do just that. I was in attendance for the simple purpose to be given a title...not to retain any significant process or requirement. From this perspective, I was able to approach the subject and presentations my own way with my own questions. I didn't feel pressured to remember everything. Don't get me wrong. I now have rather good assembly of knowledge regarding industry and Sikorsky standards. I simply achieved that end result differently. I went in looking for ways to utilize the classes in my career, at Haas and beyond. A lesson I really wish I had picked up before college.

Here's to looking forward to more business trips full of golden bagels and unhappy manufacturers.

Travian Skills: Diplomacy

2009-04-14T12:31:00.003-04:00

So, here might be an example of a skill that Travian facilitates. This is a message I sent a player dictating terms to him. I sincerely doubt I would have been able to put this together quite as effectively before I started Travian. I might be fooling myself...but who knows. Experience, training, and useful knowledge comes from the oddest of places.

----------------------<><><><><><><><><>----------------------------

XXXXXXXX,

I would be happy to offer you a personal non-aggression pact under the following terms:

---><

(1) One hour's total resource production (as allowable by travian policies) be delivered to 0.0 Nexus ( 158|92 ) Reinforcement Send resources once per day indefinitely. Significant cessation of this delivering will suspend the NAP and result in armed retaliation.

(2) I shall be notified of any further village settlements or village conquering within the 21x21 of 0.0 Nexus before said action occurs. Said actions will be subject to my approval.

(3) No overt or covert action of any kind shall be allowed against myself or my declared allies.

(4) Maintain the ability to reinforce any of my villages with defensive troops if so needed. Commitment need not be your total force anvil, but some resonable commitment made. If desired, this term may be morphed into a "gradual stationing" of defensive troops in my villages.

---<>

Any violation of the above terms without reasonable, competent and timely explanation shall be treated as an act of war.

While the above terms are adhered to you are officially my protectorate and subject to the benefits therein. Please post a note in your profile " Under Protection of Reclaimer" if you agree to these terms.

It would not be an unreasonable hope to forsee this tentative aggreement forming into a full alliance in the weeks to come. Keep this eventuality in mind. If the terms of this agreement are fulfilled and adhered to it may be decided to remove such requirements in light of an alliance action.

I welcome any further communication.

XXXXXXXXX

Current Obsession: Travian

2009-04-14T11:23:00.003-04:00

I'm prone to Obsessions. Hobbies, subjects, work...it never ends. It's one of the ways I learn. I'll pick up an interest, live and breath that interest for a while and, most often, it will eventually fall away. If it turns out to be something really worth my time and I feel I'm developing some skill or gaining some experience from this obsession I'll let it continue.

My current obsession: Travian

Travian is best described as a real-time, large scale, text based, MMORPG (Massively Multilayer Role Playing Game). Developed originally by some Germans, this game is played on every continent. In Travian, you are a regional lord of a medieval civilization. You are in charge of managing resources, growing your cities, building and utilizing your armies. At first glance...it's quite simple to play. Most of the game is a balance of numbers. The true intricacy of Travian comes in it's necessary involvement and integration of player to player teamwork. You must have diplomatic skills to stay alive in this game. Game servers run for a little over a year. Which means, if you play a full server, you are responsible for your cities, armies, and developing diplomatic ties that last a year. The depth that interpersonal interactions, negotiations, and extreme leadership responsibilities is almost frightening. If you take a leadership role in travian it is a full time job. You are in charge of entire alliances, alliance level diplomatic negotiations, individual players...everything. There are entire command structures in every alliance. The reality is...if your not in an alliance who is organized, well led, and your an active part of the alliance...you will get nowhere in this game.

I know it sounds silly but if you take an active part in Travian, you will develop and incredible amount of skills. Everything from resource management, military strategy, diplomatic maneuvering, negotiations, teamwork, leadership, prioritization, and humility. Believe me: if you do not engage in developing these skills you will see months of work destroyed in a week by a player with a bigger army than you.

What truly intrigues me about Travian is the sheer scale of this game. Unlike World of Warcraft (another obsession that literally and regrettably took over my life for a summer) where you have a lot of places to go and a sea of people just running around completing quests and instances, Travian involves 15,000 people a server. You need to manage details from how much wheat your troops have to eat in one of your 20 cities, all the way up to whether this message your about to send to this diplomat will plunge your alliance of 400 players into a brutal war with another alliance. The servers are always running and always live. So, you could be driving back from work without a worry in the world and a 10,000 man army could be marching towrad one of your cities. This level a stress is not for everyone. In WOW, when you log out...your player is no longer in the world. So nothing happens to your character when you not around. In Travian, your always at risk, always growing, always on your toes. My girlfriend, for example, loves the game, but could not handle having to always have the well being and status of her cities in the back of her head 24/7. Always being tied to whether she could get to a computer several times a day to keep things rolling. This is the only downside to Travian. There is no pause button. When you commit to Travian you commit to leading your cities for a year plus. In term's of games, that's huge.

I've now played Travian for about a year and a half now. I've been on 4 different servers and currently manage two servers right now. At minimum, I can get away with only committing about 45 min a day to my two accounts. Tonight, I plan on sitting down with two other players and beating out a battle strategy for an offensive this week. That will take 3 or 4 hours. If I were involved in alliance leadership wholesale...I would be required to commit upwards of 4 hours a day just to keep current.

Like any other game, Travian is only what you want it to be. If you let it, it will expand and fill every part of your life. (Dangerous for people wanting to mentally run away from real-life). Whoops, do I sound like I know how that works? My bad. Travian is a game and a means. A means for having fun, and developing some serious skills. For me, right now, it's a means to exact my sadistic megalomaniacal pleasure tendancies and maybe, just maybe, learn how to better organize my thoughts and interpersonal skills. I know it sounds like a stretch, but it just might work.

Reprise: An Awkward Rebirth

2009-04-13T20:48:00.002-04:00

I've been toying for a while whether to start this up again or not. I'm quite sure that anyone who checked the blog regularly in the past does so no longer, but it's a whimsical desire to write with the off chance it might start cogs turning in someone else's head. Maybe...just maybe a worthwhile discussion will ensue. Though mostly, this round is purely theraputic.

Enjoy at your own risk.

This time, I'm changing the rules. I'm not making apologies for anything I write here. Previously, the drama ensueing from other folks reading between the lines in places I never intented to have people do so, in addition to the,"he said! she said! you said!" phenomina is ridiculous. Grow up. If I write it here it's because I thought it important in some manner that it be included. I didn't start this blog to insult and demean people I don't like or agree with. If you want to measure your self worth by my blog...well...good luck. If your absolutely sure I blatently insulted your religon or life choices I'm sorry. I didn't intend this. The way to not pursue that gripe is a flamming email or barging into my room on a sunday afternoon guns blazing.

That said, The intended purpose here is to be a place where I can hang out some ideas, talk about some life events, current obsessions, writings, aspirations, what have you in a relaxed environment. I know the family liked to read up here in order to keep in touch. Comments, discussions, thoughts and such are welcome.

If it isn't evident I've grown up a lot since I started writing here. I've sludged through many rivers full of unfortunate hazardous waste to get to where I am. I hope that development reflects in what I post here. That sounds dreary...ummm let me try again.

I'll admit it now: I'm a self-proclaimed pragmatist, realist, cynic, pessimist, and closet masochist (see Phycial Chemistry). If I missed any "ist" descriptors here let me know. I still deceive myself everyone in a while by describing my outlook on life as optimistic. In fact, I'm more of a back-door optimist. -As soon as I figure out exactly what that means I'll let you know- My outlook has gone from depressed defeatist, in general, to a sultry mix of passive aggressive, back-woods cynisism with a hint of new day enthusiasm. Big jump if you ask me.

There is more to come.

Striking the "Industry"

2008-01-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

It's glorious. One of the most auspicious and bloated industries to exist actually chose to strike for money. Now, I know that the people actually suffering in this whole deal are the make-up artists and support staff and I am truly sorry for them that they have been caught between the writer's and the production studio's greed. One thing I did notice was...I haven't heard a huge outcry from the average American for the strike to end. No riots, no anything. If doctors struck...or if police officers struck, the outcry would be painful. I'm wondering if this strike could actually serve a purpose. One, help people gain a perspective of their industry. The world likes to be entertained by the tv, but they don't need you. There are better options. Second, this might be an eye opening opportunity for people to realize that tv isn't all there is to life. Why, I heard a guy on the radio say he's been interviewing people that are saying that they have been reading books more...BOOKS. Who would have thought that BOOKS could be fun too! As elated as I am that this strike is occurring, I know that no industry which pulls in the revenue tv does can never die. A sobering truth...yes. I'd be happy if just one kid, disappointed with reruns of his favorite drama or kid's show flipped to the discovery channel, saw people trying and testing theories while learning all they can about the subject...and ran outside to walmart to give it a go. Lethargic on the couch, or learning about pressure:volume work while scaring the tar out of the neighbor's dog; you decide.

The only candidates I like aren't going to win

2008-01-20T21:52:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the effect media has on the presidential races. The media reports and places emphasis on the candidates that are mentioned most by voters. They interview and hound those who have the best numbers in their "polls". So, if a candidate is best qualified but not known...he has to break through the media block and start making himself known. This...without stupid amounts of money is impossible. But without people knowing about you...you can't raise this much money. Your party won't help you because their interested in who is most "electable". They don't want to waste their money on a candidate who doesn't look like they are going to win. They aren't concerned about the candidate's policies or character...they are solely in the game to win. As long as the people in America are voting for our party we don't need to pour money into your campaign. This brings about an interesting phenomenon of people not wanting to "waste" their vote. People begin to realize how the party works, and strangely begin to focus on who they don't want in office. I don't think its so much "my party must win" this round...but "I don't want XXX from the other party to win". So, instead of voting for the candidate in their party that they like most they vote for the candidate of their party who is most electable...most likely the candidate that their party thinks has the best chance to win...most likely the candidate the media is whooping and hollering about. Strangely enough...this candidate is the one people then talk about the most when asked by the media; so on and so forth. Combine this phenomena with the one where people are subconsciously conditioned to vote along party lines simply because THE PARTY!! THE PARTY!! has been pounded into our society for the last 200 years and you have a multi-faceted multi-layered system for locking out candidates who don't play the game of politics. Where does this leave me? I'm an independent, which means I'm not partisan. I vote for the person I think can make the calls and perform the best under the enormous stresses our president is placed under AND the one who I think can sift through thousands of pieces of information WITH their advisors and work seamlessly together with them to make the decisions necessary for our country. This last qualification, I feel, discounts Giuliani, Romney, Obama, McCain and Clinton. Who do I like? Bill Richardson and Ron Paul. Two candidates no one knows about and who will never win. What to do? I do feel the need to make my vote "count" but what is that. Is it pride saying that I'd better vote for the candidate who will win or I'll look bad? I’m not sure. All I know is that I had to go digging on the internet to find a list of all the candidates running. Every news station…including NPR…only lists or even mentions the first two or three candidates. I’m getting kind of fed up with the way the media is driving this election. It started out promising…multiple candidates with a huge variety of views. Though, in the end, partisan politics and media knuckle-headedness have again ruined another potential opportunity for AMERICA to choose the best suited leader. While we all know democracies don’t actually work…it be nice to have a republic that felt more like a democratic republic than a aristocratic one.

Other random thoughts:

I like electric paint shakers. I can get a whole body deep massage with just one can of paint!

Today, I heard Hillary use the line after winning Nevada, “ So, I guess that’s how the west was one,” oye…I don’t need to president that uses lines.

Perception of a Realization

2008-01-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

Incredibly, I've managed to go, yet again, an unimaginable amount of time without posting. Now, while I'm quite well aware than many of you can imagine me ignoring important aspects of communication without impunity for many weeks...I continue to impress myself with my incognizant apathy on the subject. Nothing this obviously stirring yet unsettling could go unanalyzed so I've developed a theory. I like to communicate. Communication takes significant effort to perform. Adding the overbearing weight of writing on things yet not understood on subjects that can be easily linked, at least inwardly, to happenings yet still very sore and mal-aligned it can be easily determined that the writing of these, and other, things simply does not occur at all. In short...I've determined...when I don't want to do something I either get lazy or get busy somewhere else. Sounds simple right? It's paramount that you don't lose your perception of this small discovery. I'm likely to spend the better part of the month figuring out how it has, is, and will affect my everyday decisions. Determining how this realization has effected the great big huge decisions of my life will more than likely take a great deal longer, or a room full of psychologists.

I've discovered that writing on the blog is really good for me. I realize most people probably don't even check this anymore, but this form of public accountability forces me to process and admit that I don't understand something...or in fact simply admitting something occurred in the first place. That sounds mundane I know. My brain is progressive and quantized. If I talk about little things freely, my defenses are more likely to drop when the need comes to talk about something more difficult or important. This occurs in jumps though...or packets. I'll make a big decision one place only to be muddled for a good while on simpler things. Then, out of the blue, discover a solution to a struggle I've been working on for a long time.

I'm going to hopefully just start putting things up here about my life, frustrations, joys, interests, ponderings and such in an attempt to both remain honest to myself and others...but to also give those people who don't have time to keep reacquainting with me all the time a glimpse into the life of a friend. I know some people read what I write, get offended, and storm into my room all guns blazing. Please, this is just a way for me to express feelings, thoughts, and events. There is no need to be up in arms. If you actually knew me you'd know that storming at me with guns blazing is the fasted way to an unpleasant and most likely concussivly maligned experience. Or, rather, the fastest way to get me to walk away. I hate walking away...because it takes me a stupid long time for my to walk back, so, please, if you have something to say...do so with mutual respect and...if its something really really important that struck you deep...bring a pizza and some beers.

A ton of things have changed in the last few months. Some things, I never saw coming. Some, I never dreamed would ever come true. Still others...left me sitting there going...hmmph. I feel like my perspective is changing just a tad. Its funny how such a simple realization of communicative apathy changes ones entire outlook. Bear with me as I work out all the kinks.

Anyhow, I hope your Christmas and New Year went well and that your outlook on the coming year is as powerful as your regret for screwing up the last one.

Mismanaged and Missapplied

2007-07-25T02:08:00.000-04:00

I know I haven’t posted much lately. Why? Well, I’m not even sure. I will do my best to keep putting things up. A lot of things are changing and I figure it might be nice to write about them. Every once in a while I figure one of these thoughts in my head might actually be worth something. When those thoughts come along I’ll try to write them here. If any of you have any thoughts on my musings please feel free to post. I also have a few books to review as well. Stay tuned.

I am sitting here dumbfounded that it is the 25rd of July. Whoa. What just happened to my summer. I know people say that about summer and vacations all the time..." oo man my vacation went sooo fast"...yadda yadda yadda. I've always just taken that as someone telling me that they did nothing productive with their time and instead filled it with mindless activities that seem to make time go faster. As they open their mouth to tell me what they did they realize that their activity of choice was not terribly exciting to recount and in the end didn't produce much. So, they tell me they don't know where the time went in an effort to convey the confusion their brain is currently muddled in. In other words, the phrase "I don't know where the time went" is a cover for their brain not allowing them accept the fact that they sat in a chair staring at a computer screen playing flash games for the past week. Generally, when people respond to the question by answering with the general terminology "I did so much it's good to be back to the normal grind" or "I could use another month at least!" means their were actual beneficial activities taking place or there was actual progress in "de-stressing" activities made.
I mention all this to draw one of several conclusions for this post. The human brain is actually a terrible thing to be inadequately engaged for long periods. The brain will, when engaged for long periods in low level activities focused on task far far below its capability not being tasked with constantly managing heavy physical stress, will in fact start ignoring itself. This was a very interesting concept I stumbled upon the other day. The brain ignoring itself. This is not to be compared to one's ignoring of personal health or activities, but rather an activity that affects only the brain. When engaged in this way, the brain decreases in its ability to perceive non standard data, loses calibration on its musculature, and simply ignores higher functions. Flash games are a perfect example of such an activity. Unless in a competitive environment with peers, your average flash game is a simple game of either clicking a button quickly and accurately enough, gold management, or simple strategy. Some are slightly challenging yet strangely compelling and always repetitive. Once the brain has achieved a conceptual understanding of the task and learned enough to be able to produce marginal improvement...it starts placing a higher percentage on standbye which gives the brain the illusion of rest. There is no stress reduction, no education, no relaxation...just mere neutrality...nay apathy. As time goes on it will become more and more difficult to engage in activities with the same percentage of brain power. When one now moves from the flash game to higher tasks, the same amount of brain power is initially available meaning the task takes longer to complete and is perceived as more difficult. Unless the flash game is used as an element in a multitasking environment or in a highly competitive situation then the above will occur. This concept can be broadly applied and provides an argument for the following: the human brain must never be allowed to become neutral for long periods of time. Stress reduction and relaxation is gained through variations of activities rather than a complete cessation of them. Complete cessation occurs in sleep. Sleep an appropriate amount and your brain will have had enough of off time for a while. This is an argument against a great many things: wasting time on flash games, watching lots of television, dreaming of long vacations or retirement with nothing to do. So, through trial and error, I have discovered yet another key into understanding my brain. I need a task at all times. Whether the task is in itself to be relaxed, to pay attention to a certain muscle group, to complete something, to become faster at something, to work around something, to remember, to listen, to watch…my brain needs a task. Why in the world it’s taken me this long to figure out I have no idea. The consequences of letting my brain slip into neutral are, in part, allowing my head to ask and dwell on questions that need not be asked and events that best be learned from and forgotten. Problem is….my brain is really really good at slipping into neutral. A great thank you to flash games and none cognitive intensive jobs for that one.

If you wish to test my theory here is a little something to get you started:
Flash Tower Defense

Random things learned in the past few weeks:
-My brain wants consistency and order in everything...but I know that's not good for me. When did I start being like this….no idea.
-I've discovered that it is rather difficult to keep the worn once clothes separate from the worn twice clothes. These piles seem to very easily merge...the worn three times pile is absolutely impossible to keep track of.
-My middle ears hold a ridiculous amount of water. I should find a job in the desert.
-Somehow, I’m so at piece living in a semi-beat up apt with 5 guys. I think it’s the people…and the older gentleman that lives downstairs that swears at his tv in the middle of the night. I am perfectly fine with having small amounts of personal roomage. It sort or forces me to remember the things that are important for living. I’d like a little more space to have some more people over but hey…that’s what God made the deck for. What was I thinking living in a freaking huge house last year??? Sigh, not my brightest moment. Must have been the pillars out front….such a sucker for pillars.
-Working on getting a job as a lobster fisherman. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL. Apparently, it's a tough field to get into. I'm talking to a few gentlemen that I can find. Hopefully something fun will come of it.
-My camera rocks. It’s the user that’s a bit challenged.
-The world has changed to the point where being knowledgeable about a great many things is no longer economically viable. I am so screwed. (Future Post???)
-I’m not an idiot…just terribly mismanaged and misapplied. Maybe Kennith Lay wasn’t a good choice for a life coach.

This is where I divide

2007-05-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

This is the part where I die. Die? Perhaps divide. Divide? The part that lived. The part that lied. Burnt by countless hours. Incessant study is poor for the soul. Didn't He say that. Maybe? He said. I think. Too many minds. Can't seem to lock on in. Running like a wildefire. Burnt. Burnt? How? No real enemy this time. Just whats gone beyond. Where? Away. From here. No control like a nervous bird in a cage. Banging its wings on the frantic wire. The rythum is there. No words though. All gone. Burnt. This is the part where I die. Die? No. Divide.

What a Day

2007-05-09T18:20:00.000-04:00

Today is a good day. I haven't been able to say that in a very long time and not be lying through my teeth. Today is a good day. I woke up at my buddies place, had some dd for breakfast and then proceeded to work out for an hour and a half. This was my last PE class and suprisingly...it was amazing. I was so sore by the time I got out of there. Wayne and I did upper body today and somehow we made it through all that plus the many laps of lunges and joking Father B made us do. Went to work and actually accomplished something for a change. I then went to baja fresh for lunch and sat on the beach for a bit. I went to my LAST CLASS AT GORDON COLLEGE in which I reviewed dna sequencing data cloned from my own body...actually really cool. I will have pics and info later. I then was dragged to the beach for a game a frisbee amoung the embracing sand, cold waves, good friends, and beautiful women... oopps...was I not allowed to mention that last one. I ummm, I'm not really looking...HONEST! :) I went back to gordon, chilled in the car with some toons for a bit, went to the bev farms library and got locked out with all my stuff in. O yeah, if you ever get the impression I have any personal pride left at all...well...its a huge lie. I have absolutely none. Now, I'm sitting in my back yard, under the gentle dusk light, talking with my redleaved friend here about all the birds and how excited they must be. Yes...and tonight is sushi with great friends and a semester survived of p-chem party. This all is not to say the amount of work that remains to be done is not incredibly huge and extremely oppressing and makes me sick to think about it or that most of today could have been spent doing that work, but I had a good day. A good time to remember. I've been called insane by several professors and insanely stupid by many friends for the work load I've had this past year. I tell you its nearly..okay has, driven my so far into the dirt I now have met personally several species of earthworm I never knew existed. But ya know...my God is bigger. Somehow...somewhere...something good is coming out of this year. I'm just hoping it happens before the goof offs at sallie mae realize my death was a rouse :) I know this year hasn't been all lost. I was suprised that at the senior formal last weekend I could walk around the whole room and meet and greet at least one person I knew at each table. I've developed so many amazing relationships this year I can't even express them all. I've also lost touch with a few too many people too...which makes me sad. That is what this summer is for. Sleep, friends, family, bbqs, weddings, beaches, woods, guns, bikes, gres, and hopefully hopefully hopefully some woodland training courses I would die to take. And especially friends. We'll see. The first week is going to be all sleep. Well, some rather loud people have just interrupted my peaceful introspective moment in the backyard. Was great while it lasted. The squirrel in my redleafed friend agrees...it's time for sushi. I love you all.

Long day

2007-05-07T09:20:00.000-04:00

So, the next two weeks are going to be INSANE. I just really hope I can get it all done. I don't want another year like this one...no please. While I've learned more than I could ever tell you and grown in ways that scare even me...I'd rather not try it again. I just hope I've learned everything I was supposed to cause I'm generally terrible at makeup exams. I'm really really tired. I don't even think I can express how tired I am to you, but there are some good happenings in my life. I got to play in the sand yesterday and watch videos of my nephew and niece! After that, I hung out in the crow's nest of emery working on biochem labs with a couple gentleman interspersing work with snipits of return of the king on the projector...accompanied with pizza of course. At about 5 am I went to the house, cooked some buffalo burgers, and went back to campus to have a quick late dinner/breakfast/thirdsies whatever in the gordon tower. Went back to emery, worked for another hour or too...then collapsed in the penthouse for 20 min, in the penthouse, before waking up to go work out. Yeah...work out. Sigh. I have a super busy day today and not much time to sleep because tonight begins round two of the lab write-ups. 4 in all, an average of 15 pages each of nice and exciting technical writing, statistically relevant data sets and somewhat confident intervals. Scratch that. I'm not anywhere near a 95 % confidence limit. Last week, during my senior presentation, a professor asked me if I was confident in my data. I was quite frustrated, sleep deprived and delusional at the time and was very tempted to say...sir...I have just spent the last 45 min presenting terrible, non-significant, scientifically painful data gathered from an analytical machine that hates the mere notion of me being in the same building as it, in the nicest most professional and thorough way possible and the one thing you could possibly ask me is do I (after all this) have any confidence in these numbers? I've only told you a thousand ways to china no...could I save just a little bit of my dignity or ya gonna just drive that nail in too. O well, it's only the third time I've had to defend an experiment in which a hundred hours went into it and all I can say is here...look...I can say absolutely nothing that can be backed up by statistics in any way shape or form. I can't even tell you that my error numbers are right. Basically, I spent many hours mashing things up, dumping chemicals on them, blasting them into tubes and waiting for a bump on the screen. Standard strategy for presenting horrible data. Focus on theory and big picture. Make sure you tell them what you could have done with better data or would like to do in the event more time were available to you. Sigh. That's it. I love science.

One Art

2007-05-04T09:50:00.000-04:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (WRITE IT !) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

Every time I read this it becomes a little more intriguing and powerful. I have no idea why. I mean, I can resonate with so much of it (especially this year)...but I'm not exactly sure that's why I like it so much. I'm not sure. I think a couple of the things that attract me to this is her practical almost sarcastic approach to a difficult subject; loss. She works through the poem and begins to discover that the things she is losing do actually mean something to her...especially when she starts losing things that are a huge part of her life. She can't act or pretend it away anymore. It is so powerful she has to write it...write it. One of the hardest things to do when thoughts hurt a lot. Taking the time to stay stationary in silence (hardest part right there) and fight the little lingering voices of depression and doubt that incessantly rain blows upon your mind and try to write down the things that hurt, you know, the ones you don't understand is very difficult. Seeing them on paper is two fold. It gives you a certain power over them. Look!, there they are on the paper...I wrote you. I kennen "know" you. I can call you by name. On the other hand, now they are there as a reminder. What you do with that reminder is your game. The written word is powerful. The spoken word is holy. Do both. Marilyn Hacker wrote a poem in response to this one. It's called " Going Back to the River". Read it...took my brain to a crazy place.

Disclaimer

2007-04-25T06:43:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer: May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection.

Up Before God Is

2007-04-23T06:30:00.000-04:00

I got up at 4:30 this morning; partially because my body doesn't exactly like to sleep anymore and partially because I have this exam thing today...amongst many other things. I determined that if I sat down and tried to study right then I'd be in trouble so I went for walk around pre-dawn beverly-farms. I like bev farms. The only people who were up was the garage owner throwing papers around the office, the paper delivery guys, the gerneral store owner and the dunkin donuts lady. Dunkin donuts opens at 5:00. Needless to say, I was quite pleased by this. Besides the opportunity to have a long needed chat with God, this morning showed me one thing: the pre dawn day is reserved for those who have the biggest hearts, the smallest wallets, and those who truly want to know God. I finally have a glimpse as to why my father has gotten up at 3:45 every day for the past who knows how many centuries (oops years) :) The pre-dawn morning is filled with birds letting loose their cries and squirrels...none too pleased that I was awake and moving about THEIR street. But amongst all this racquet and shouting...I could hear myself and God so much clearer. As the sun came up and the coffee bubbled I knew...that maybe, just maybe through all the crap that has gone on this year and all my wonderful failures and short comings as a student and more importantly a person...I just might learn something. And maybe...just maybe God might pull me through this. I sure won't be winning any awards or getting an all expense paid vacation to grad school, but then again...that's not how my family rolls. Isn't a bad thing...just who we are. We're the people who get up in the morning and pay more attention to the birds than the news. We fight a thousand battles for every step we take.
Everything we're given is straight from God. Not because we're that much better than everyone else, but because we need so much help...it's easier for God to give it to us himself than make us ride around the mountain ridge to get the point. I love my family. And if I keep having mornings like this...I might just understand them eventually.

No, this isn't a picture of beverly farms ( i wish). It's a picture of a lake in Shady Shores, Texas. I was looking around and found it...was awed...and posted it. Thought it to be semi-appropriate. Maybe you will too.

From Yesterday

2007-04-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

He’s a stranger to some
And a vision to none
He can never get enough,
Get enough of the one

For a fortune he'd quit
But it’s hard to admit
How it ends and begins
On his face is a map of the world

From yesterday, it’s coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him
But he doesn't want to read the message here.

On a mountain he sits, not of gold but of shit
through the blood he can learn, see the lifes that he took
From a council of one
He'll decide when he's done with the innocent

On his face is a map of the world.

-30 seconds to mars (From Yesterday

My DNA

2007-04-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks I have been working on cloning my cheek cell DNA using PCR. Today, we ran a few gels to determine if we were successful. We sort of were. In this gel you can see "the ladder" well used in quantifying DNA bands. The next five wells contain my DNA. I can't tell you how weird it is to look at that picture and be able to say wow....that's me. That's what makes me. I'm a little suprised that I got as much PCR product as I did. The primers we were using in PCR are linked to the X chromosome...so the female in the group (last five wells) should have 2 to 3 times as many fragments. All in all its not a great gel. Most of the important bands are very faint with poor resolution. We are going to run the gel on a machine made by Li-COR which allows for very long gels to be run with excellent detection. Kind of excited. Tomorrow I have a killer Quantum chemistry exam. If I survive that...well...maybe I'll take a nap.

There will Come Soft Rains

2007-04-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,

And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pool singing at night,

And wild plum trees in tremulous white;

Robins will wear their feathery fire,

Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one

Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree,

If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself when she woke at dawn

Would scarcely know that we were gone.

Found this poem by Sara Teasdale today and really liked it. The focus on the little things of nature that are often missed and the emphasis that humans are not the be all and end all of things are appealing to me. So often I hear people describing an event or an aspect human or even natural activity as if they completely and fully understand and all its implications...history has told us otherwise. I like that this poem forced me to slow down and remember that with everything thing that is going on God has given me a gift, painted me an ever-shifting masterpiece and seen to it that my appreciation for it stays strong. Why do I so often lose sight of the simple things God has given?

New Logo

2007-04-04T19:05:00.000-04:00

A friend and I worked to put this together the other day. I like it. Says volumes about what my life has been for the past 8 months.

Google TISP

2007-04-02T10:55:00.000-04:00

I know it has been waaay too long since I've last posted. My life is so crazy right now there isn't much time for...anything really. I am going to start posting again hopefully. It's a great distraction from anything school related.

I'll start with Google's april fools joke. I thought this was amazing. Check it out:

Google Press Release

How TISP Works

I really appreciate the trouble they go through just to give people a laugh. Made my day.

SNOW: WARNING...may cover roads...no...really?

2007-02-14T00:49:00.000-05:00

We're supposed to get a caboshee of snow tonight. Despite this news, I remain skeptical. It is most definately coming to the middle of February and we have very little snow. Pathetic. My snowshoes have been sitting idle for far too long. They need to feel the white powder beneath their wax laden straps soon. If they don't they might start walking around on there own...this would be interesting to say the least. Anyway, I'm content at the moment. Snow is coming. Got a haircut from a friend. I just had a really good game of racquet ball which made my legs just about fall off, as well as, a great dinner with close friend that put a smile on my face that I didn't see coming. Now I'm sitting at a buds place on an amazingly comfortable couch writing a lab on protein spectrophotometry. On my right, my lab partner. Further right, a brother relaxing with some WoW. To my left another bud pluckin' some soul inspiring tunes on the larrive'e. So what if I'm behind in my work, have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and can't get my life in any semblance of order. I'm with people who care. Learning and living. I may fail out of gordon...but right now the only thing that hurts is my back. Let the snow fall. Danielle is ready and waiting for a chance to fly through snow again. Been far too long.

Ponderism for the Day:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

∆H-T∆S=blaaaaah

2007-01-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

The past few days I've just been trying to get on with the business of living whilst trying to process a lot of things in my head. Surprisingly, this is a difficult task. It's like taking all your regrets, hopes, wishes, dreams, fears, ambitions, and insecurities...stacking them up on a platter...then putting them in a chamber of reality gas at pressure P(i). Letting that stew for time(t) and measuring P(f). Life is over if ∆P is > P(int) [pressure internal] of the substance on the platter. A final measurement of ∆G is made. Where ∆G = ∆H - T∆S. If ∆G is positive nothing gets done spontaneously. If ∆G is negative...life just might proceed in a forward general direction with a positive general demeanor. Sigh...taking over my life.

O, I found a this on the beach sunday. I'm not sure if its illegal to take a washed up this and put it on your back yard lawn table or not...but until I can find someone that can tell me one way or another...my backyard is under construction.

HA! Victory Is Mine

2007-01-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

I am now a fully certified Massachusetts emt. I am so happy I could run around in circles singing the Russian national anthem...but for know I'll go play racket ball. Today is racket ball, work on car, quantum, p-chem, and party. Today could actually be a good day. I've forgotten what those were like. Maybe I can learn again. I might need some help...

Day - 24 {Battle of Redbull vs. The Iced Coffee}

2007-01-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

Today have been a very long day...and with a two hour lecture, two more hours of work, then as many hours as I can stay awake of homework after that...it's bound to get longer. I guess my general mood is disappointed. I've lost a lot of respect for a couple people this week which hurts in an odd way. I guess the whole adult thing is too hard for some people. On the other hand I've had several friends really encourage me, call me their brother, and tell me its okay. Those words mean a lot. On sunday, I hung out with a group of friends at a diner and...was able to just have a good time, drop the active defenses and smile. That doesn't happen too often. Then one of them accosted me later as I was walking back to my car and threw me in the cruiser. Some friend huh :) The house rent situation is a mess. The money is coming in late or not at all. I'm gonna chat with the power guys and see what they were told and if I can forestall their cutting my power. Not that I care deeply...my computer has moved from the foremost dependency of my life, the food I eat is often cold anyway, I have plenty of blankets, and rather enjoy having to stop work because I can't see anymore. Sigh...I'm just gonna scrounge up enough money to pay off the rent till the end of the may and go sleep on a buddies couch, or in emery, or somewhere. Maybe not emery...who knows what is floating around in the air in there. Never know what chemical compounds hapless undergrads have let loose. I'm just coming to really appreciate my friends yet again, really missing seeing and hearing others, and just generally ready for someone to drop a nuke into the middle of my so called existence. I guess you could call me prepared...or something. One thing that shocked my pants off this past week is the relationship I have with many of the science professors. Save Dr. David Lee, the new physics prof., I can have rather delightful conversations with a just about all of them. I even got a few of them excited to see me. I'm not entirely sure how I managed this. I'm most definitely not the star student of the class nor the most dynamic. I just sort of realized that many of them tend to smile and stop and talk even when their late for class. Who knows...maybe I just look funny. Off to a lecture, then maybe a quick run to the gym, some homework, then work, then more homework and then...o my favorite time may it come quickly...the sleep...she comes.

Divide & Conquer: EMT

2007-01-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

I just recieved authorization from the all acclaimed Massachusette Office of Emergency Medical Services to proceed to the second phase of testing. This means that I passed the first phase of testing (the practical exam I had on the 6th) and am one step closer to being certified to practice ems skills in ma. I was so excited when I got it. It actually looked like a peice of junk mail just like my instructor said it would. It reminds me of one of those credit card checks the credit companies always sends you. It took me a second when I saw it to grasp the significance. I noted that it looked like junkmail...but there was something familiar about my getting an important peice of mail that was supposed to look like junkmail. I also recognized something familiar about the company name, Promissor, I'd seen it somewhere. When my eyes dropped to the "IMPORTANT" line I almost decided it was junkmail. Every peice of junkmail I get is IMPORTANT, DATE SENSITIVE, GREAT OPPORTUNITY, YOUR LAST CHANCE. This time they weren't kidding. I just about let a whoop'n hollar out right there by the mailroom. My day got a little better in the 5 or so seconds it took for me to realize the significance of the letter. Now I just have to schedule and take the written exam. There are those times when its okay to feel like a little boy with a new bb-gun that can take down all sorts of backyard vermin...this is one of them.

There and Back Again

2007-01-16T16:38:00.000-05:00

It's been I while since I posted and since I apparently divulge more information about the actual workings of my life here than anywhere else (so I've been told) I figured I would take a break from fixing the house I broke and write about what's been going on in the great big grand life of tyler. I'm sorry if I go on and on, there are lots of things in my head that, kind of like a squirrel in a live trap, will do just about anything to get out.

Christmas break came. I left for home almost a week later than everyone else because I'm special and have way more work to do than could be done by the end of the semester. Some of it still has to be done. Let me tell you...I've never had to go to a professor and plead for mercy before in my life. I'd rather not have to do it again. Anyway, I went home for two weeks. While home I was privileged to be able to spend several days with family of all sorts, celebrate, sing, eat, drink, and just have fun. For Christmas, I got just what I wanted and it was perfect. I didn't want tons of "stuff" and was almost giddy when I looked over everything I got and was amazed that 99% of it would be either in use or used up in the next couple weeks. Simple is good. I was more happy to be home and with my family and friends. Though...I did get the most incredible flashlight I've ever owned. Its the e2L outdoorsman from surefire. I honestly wasn't expecting it at all. I felt kind of sad knowing how much it was but happy at the same time. This flashlight is perfect for the woods...and I dare say it will fit just about any application you put it to. While pale in comparison to my grandfather's woodwork which I was given another peice of this Christmas...the flashlight is really cool. After being home and seeing people...this was the one of the best gifts I got over break, but more so, I was able to spend chunks of time with my best friend nick and his family, and bunches of my other boys who I haven't seen it way to long. We went crazy and had an awesome time. I miss them a lot. On Christmas day, I had several friends text me merry Christmases…that made me so happy. Knowing that I have places that I can go with families who treat my just like mom and dad do means so much to me. I walk in and get hugs from the whole family, fed almost immediately, and asked to stay as long as I want. People mean so much to me. I'm realizing now more than ever its my family and friends that drive me to be something. I've lost sight of that. Its not dreams of glory, money, success, stuff or fame...it's knowing that I can shake the hand of a hardworking gentleman in complete honesty, sincerity and trust. While I have a very very long way to go...I think I know where I'm going. I don’t trust very easily…and if that trust is broken I have a hard time trusting back. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. Product of my past yeah, conditioned to be a paranoid…unfortunately, afraid to let people in again, considerably, very unhappy with the past 3 years…yes. I am now more than ever learning my weaknesses and being shown who my friends are. A good friend of mine introduced the concept of water brothers to me ( I can’t remember the book) and I’m just finding out how much those people mean to me…and how many I actually had. Praise God for my friends no matter what.
I am sick of things. I'm sick of money, people and tv's. I walked down a street in gloucester yesterday around 20:00 and every single house had at least one tv on...AT LEAST. My goodness...with the exception of an occasional game of football and an episode of the unit every once in a while what in the heck are you watching. It you tell me paris hilton or one of those neo- yuppy home improvement shows…sigh.
I just was given the task of talking with our landlords and their friends today. They drove over from western MA to chat with us. Go figure, I’m the only one that could work being at the house all afternoon into my schedule. Apparently, they’ve been getting all our rent checks late. That’s just awesome. I am embarrssed as all get out. That’s what I get for not dealing with the bills on my own. They also informed me that because of the difficulty with the payments they are transferring all the utilites into nick’s P name. Even better…now three separate people need to get checks. I wasn’t told about that either. I basically haven’heard any of this stuff that greatly affects my life. I heard it from dusty that we were in rough shape and that somebody had to be here to chat with them. They’re not happy at all. I was failry upset after talking to them. What an embarressment. I told them to contact me if this remains a problem and Mrs. Pesce suggested she start shooting the emails to me. This is not what I needed right now. O yeah, I broke the house. I’m not even really exactly how…but I did…and well yeah. Now I get to spend money I don’t have and spend time I shoudn’t have to fix it. Strange, I’m not at all enthusiastic about the house and here I am fixing it AND I got to deal with four rather aggrevated adults asking me why the bills aren’t payed. Why am I always stuck in that place. (Though, I am so grateful for my dad and grandpa for showing me all they did about maintenance and such!) I am getting really sick of all this. Blaah. As long as I’m here the damn bills are going to be paided on time. I’ve gotta start praying…this is just not what I want. My life is a mess enough as it is…I don’t need to be doing this right now. The monthly cost of the the house is pushing 700 and more than likely going to go up once the winter settles in. This is considerably higher than previous estimates and higher than I can support. I migh be able to squeeze enough out of the loans to cover it but that would have me graduating with nothing. I already have nothing to work with really. I owe way to much to way too many people. I would like to get a laptop so I could be other places and get my work done. I don’t work well in the house and am hoping to go places in the next few years of my life so a desktop isn’t what I need, but, its looking like I may not have enough to do it. I hate money.
I spent almost 250 on Danielle this weekend and am looking at spending another 500-600 on more repairs in the next week or two. This weekend her alternator blew and left me with not batery power at all in the middle of 93. My buddy picked up a new battery for me and I limped back to his house. I could have hooked up the cables and charged it but I wasn’t sure what the integrity of the battery was and if a charge would even hold. And, as loving as the guy is he bought a battery at a gas station which is a lot more expensive than normal. O well, I have a gooddependable battery and a spare to jump people with. I swapped out the alternator at his apartment and got her running good. I tested the old one and it was definitely gone. Going to take it back tonight to get my core back. Danielle ate a wrench that night too. Not sure where it went…but I think she spit it out on the road…not sure though. Now I am looking for a shop that will take a look at my front end for me. I’m not terribly gifted on working on the front end. I used to mess up the front end on x-mods so I have a slightly battered history with front ends. I’ve never swapped out a strut before so I’m kind of nervous about doing it myself without a dad or tools and my mechanic is about 8 hours away. I’m pretty sure my transmission is also starting to slip. I want to have them take a look at it for me. If the trany is going I’m screwed. I don’t have the money to buy a new one let alone pay a northshore mechanic to put it in for me. I don’t have many ofther options though. Danielle means a lot to me…I am fully aware that sounds weird but I’ve lived a lot of life in my car. Heck, I’ve literally lived out of her for a long time, carried many friends, and had a lot of hard conversations in her. She’s been my safe place for a long time…when life just sucked I would hop in and go for a drive, alone or with a good friend, and let my brain cool down. There have been a lot of tears put out there…I’m gonna have a rough day when I have to get rid of her. She just rolled 120 last week…was hoping for 150 at least before I had to make another purchase.

My brain is too full for normal function. Despite all the goodness of being home I was hoping these two weeks would help me forget the last 30 or so…yeah no. Not a chance. All I know is that something needs to change. My head pretty much crashed last week and now I’m having trouble getting it to turn over. I need to run away but I’m not allowed. I’ve done enough of that already…no more. There are a lot of things that need to be figured out soon. I just hope I don’t screw up and choose wrong. The words coming out of my head are difficult…I don’t get them. I’m spending to much time trying to figure out if what I’m saying is the truth. But hey….we lie everytime we speak because mere words can’t begin to describe truth. Great…I’ll just shut up then.

Things I’ve learned from the past semester/6 months:
I love carpentry…except when its not my house, then it become a little bit less fun cause now I’m worrying about messing it up.
I’m particular about a lot of things. Weird…never even thought of me being particular before.
I can live out of a car indeffinately providing I can find can shower every few days.
Loaded up office 07 with this format…I really like it. Try it when you get a chance.
I’ve gotten really bad at paying attention to me beyond what I feel now. Of course your exhausted, don’t get all up-tight about why now…look at what you just came through…you can be tired; it’s okay. So you get a week of 8 hours a day of sleeping and are more tired than when you started. Its okay.
Food is good, you should try it every once in a while.
Snow tubing is dangerous when partaken by college age gentlman who just happen to be the ones in charge of a large group of kids. Trust me..don’t go there.
It takes a lot of stress, exhaustion, and emotional drama to bring me down, but when I’m down…I’m down good. If you stab me while I’m down, I stay down waaay longer and really have to struggle to not drop into default.
Turtles can be completely frozen then thawed back out again scott free.
I am going to love working as an emt. Nick tried to plow the mountain clear with his nose. The snow won. I was checking him for signs of concusion, shock, and further trauma before I even knew what I was doing and even drove him to the hospital…in between fits of laughter of course. By the way…don’t ever shatter your nose…its just messy to put back together.
Old ladies don’t react well to people with smashed faces.
There are people who know me better than I think they do. Scary, spent my life being in the business of making sure I knew how well people knew me. But some of the people who should know me better don’t because I won’t let them. How do you stop a defense mechanism locked in place years ago.
I forgot how much I enjoy Pink Floyd and the Blind boys of Alabama.

That’s all for now. There is probably way more to say but I have things that need to be done before it gets completely dark. It is my hope to start posting more frequently as well as including some more poetry bits…as well as just chatting about stuff. I’ll do my best. I love you all and miss you very much.

Smile like you mean it.

Finals...

2006-12-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

Physical Chemistry: Proudly promoting masochism since 1852.

pchem:
so the chemistry gets physical,
and nothin 'bout it's whimsical,
kinetics, reaction mechanisms abound-
not to mention thermo all around-
maxwell and boltzman, they're so cool,
and memorizing equations makes me drool...

the end....

-cass

Exams just suck everybit of joy, happiness, grace, mercy, H20, O2, CO2, ADP, NADPH, phosphofructokinase, transcriptase inhibitors, midaclorians, thinkymajiggas, doo dadds, and....and...and...crap....WHAT'S LEFT!!!

2006-12-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

A really good buddy came down for the weekend. We met up with some other boys from home and went crazy. Possibly the best weekend I've had in a long time. We hung out at the house a bit and actually had a great time. One of the members of the apt wasn't around, so the rest of us and my buddy from home did dinner Friday night, got some work done on Saturday and just relaxed. Haven't been able to relax at home for a long time. It was great. Sunday, I went on my ride along for EMS and it was amazing. I spent 5 hours with two of the most amazing EMT's I've ever met. We went on two calls, transported two patients, and was allowed to do just about everything they needed. I took my first blood pressure, patient lift procedure, first handoff, first MVA, first medical, first time bombing down main streets on the north shore with lights blarring....and had three really awesome talks with EMT's about the job, the future and really everything. It was the first time in well....3 or so months that I looked ahead and saw something that made me happy and actually put aside the past few weeks and months...if only for a few hours. Anyway, my brain and body are overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm trying not to think about all the work, decisions, plans, conversations that pretty much have to happen this weekend...but...sigh.

It's not for nothing that He holds the sword.

The end has come....

2006-11-29T12:29:00.000-05:00

I have now completely severed my ties with BankNorth. With the shredding of my very first credit card, the money snorffing detritus feeding BankNorth has lost its unyielding rule of tyranny over my soul. Faithful citizens flood the streets in delirious celebration. Like the book burnings of old, green logo laden bank statements are sent to the heavens riding waves of flame sent out from furious fires on every street corner. BankNorth loyal bankers are dragged from their homes and out from behind reinforced banking counters by deleterious hordes armed with bundles of overpriced check books paired with reams of check registers with which to pummel their heartless victims. In days the fires will die down leaving only a precious few remaining copies of the unspeakable BankNorth's logo displayed, under heavy armed guard, in the main building of the Ministry of Truth. So that all might remember the horrible malignant corporation known best by its heretical use of Islamic green. No more fooling faithful followers into the whorish pseudo-oasis like waiting rooms. BankNorth...your rule is OVER.

Funny thing is. When I called to cancel I was ready for knock-out drag-out fight with the customer rep. All she said was, "O, may ask the reason? That's fine, I hope we can be of service to you in the future. " Sigh, no rebuttals, no pestering counter offers, no "inconvenienced" customer reps and no transferring to more diligent managers just...sorry, have a nice day. Talk about wind right out of the ol' proverbial sails on that one.

Ramblings of a De-Population Manager #1

2006-11-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

so good. Here we are. The US just passed 300 million people a week or so ago. The rate for the US population growth sits at something like one baby every 45 seconds. The world now sits at ~ 6.5 billion people with a growth rate of ~1.14%. Now stop and think a second. With this growth rate the doubling time for human population on the earth is 61 years. Just about the time I'm read to swap gears and start hanging out with lots of other old boys on each other's porches and chat about the world and whatever else the world's population would have doubled. DOUBLED. 9000 human beings are being added to the planet every hour!

There are way too many people now! Current human consumption of natural resources exceeds available productive land by 30%. We are over our safe margin my 30%!! Global consumptions are larger than global carrying capacity by 1/3. We are way into ecological overshot territory. Humans have blown past the sustainable limit and we are now living off the equity in our house. Living off the future, taking another mortgage assuming we can pay it off…living on borrowed time at the expense of those who come after us. We need to start looking for Atlantis or researching plate tectonics so we can start pushing out new continents or we're in trouble. Interestingly, the US isn't the country popping kids out of motion sensor doors the fastest. In fact, US fertility rates are dropping toward our replenishing rate while fertility rates in many third world countries are exploding. Europe's fertility/ population growth rates are, in contrast, dropping. Germany's native growth rate is actually negative. If it was not for immigration from eastern Europe and the middle east, Germany would be shrinking. It is interesting to see how population growth rotates around the globe while as a whole continuously contributing to global population growth. It is a very dynamic growth pattern...albeit severely depressing...interesting.

Another thought:

Half of the people in developing nations and 10-15% of people in developed nations are classified as poor; poor being the inability to afford food, shelter and clothing. Kind of makes that $80 dollar pair of designer jeans seem a little…itchy.

All of this just goes to prove the importance of my position as de-population manager. I will start first by instituting the following form of birthcontrol in all restrooms around the US, China, Japan, and India.

goin' nowhere...

2006-11-26T22:58:00.000-05:00

IT goofs

2006-11-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

So today my favorite network admins went to install a new peice of hardware onto the gordon college system. It was some sort of storage hot swap drive I think. Well, brian came over and picked up the drive from the cet at about 10:10, at about 10:20 every network storage drive the campus has was smoking. Our total network storage is now currently at 1.44mb, the size of the floppy disk chris just went bombing over to mac with in his hand. Every day I'm just amazed by the absolute proficiency of our network admins. They just burned thousands of dollars of equipment and managed to bring down both the campus and public web sites in the process. They just created hours of work for me as I get to tell every person on campus that yes...there are indeed issues. Sigh...let's give a big round of applaus for our gordon college network admins.

The EMT Class Traumatized

2006-11-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in this EMT class and we're finally doing trauma after weeks and weeks of medical. Today we did upper extremity splinting. This poor individual here (one of the house mates) has just been subjected to my incredibly amazing splinting/slinging skills immobilizing a wrist break {no actual house mates were harmed in this activity}. It was actually a pretty good class. I am really enjoying the hands on work. I get easily distracted sitting in classrooms for hours upon end. When I can get out and practice the skills that I'm actually going to be using I can focus and learn much better. I wish all the rest of my classes where this way. From the look on this guy's face, I think we're going to be the medics making stops very similar to this ALS crew I saw yesterday. I hope that when I grow up to be a medic that I get to make frequent...umm...stops during my shifts. Who knows...maybe they give discounts to medics. That would be amazing.

November Life

2006-11-06T09:46:00.000-05:00

Gordon College is amazing. In the span of one year we have somehow managed to be blocked by major online companies at various points of time; Newegg, Hotmail, eBay, Yahoo and Comcast. How does no one see this as a problem? My goodness...someone please save me from mike binns and his cronies. Why why why do I work here?

I had to turn down a request to give a friend a jump today because my favorite boss wouldn't let me leave work for 20 min...sigh. First time ever turning down a jump call. I'm turning into a horrible friend...GAAA!!!

Been trying to find a solution to my video card problem. I bought a new one a year ago hoping that it would last me for 4 years or so...I got exactly a year out of it. I've found several cards that should give me the versatility needed for the desktop for at least another 3 or 4 years but that's a lot of money. I'm not doing a lot of gaming so spending this much on a card seems kind of pointless. Despite the fact that right now I sort of need a computer to do what I need to do I'm kind of in a bind. I've thought about selling the desktop and just swapping for a laptop. I would get the simplicity and versatility I want. I guess I still have the softspot in my heart for my machine. Let's give it another month and see then. So, I don't have 130 bucks to spend on anything computery. So many more useful things I would like to spend money on if I had any. Like a new internal frame pack, artic bag, or whisper stove. Dang it...why don't I have money? Why do I feel like I have to spend money? I don't want to buy things. I hate buying things. Spending anything over 10 bucks on myself feels wrong and twitches something deep down. Drives me nuts. Spending money on other people I can do, but for some reason I loathe doing it on me; even if it is something legitimate and useful. I hate it...even if it's stuff I need or would be able to put to good use. Sigh... For now I'll just keep spending money on food, gas and books. I'll figure the rest out as I go along. For now I'm gonna risk the 12 bucks to ship this back to powercolor and hope they'll give me a new one.

I was an idiot and forgot to request an absentee ballot soon enough. For some reason it takes longer than a week to mail a ballot from home. In essence, I've just completely overlooked one of my most precious responsibilities as a citizen of this country. I've pretty much toyed all day with driving home tonight, voting, taking a quick nap, then driving back here for my emt class at 18:30. I almost did. Here I sit. A sucky citizen.

I wish it wasn't illegal to shoot condescending people. I just happen to know a few.

I'm done with dunkin donuts and coke. They kill kids.

Napalm sticks to kids -Jn . My new favorite phrase.

Been looking at dragons. Hopefully, this saturday I'm going to head up to Springfield and chat with the owner. The only question is...do I get one dragon...or two:) I want to grow mine big enough to eat cats. Speaking of cats...I rocked one out my bedroom window with the airsoft G18c today. It was amazing. It was something I've never done before Put 4 rds into a cat whilist standing in my room talking to an overtly persistent Indian credit card salesman suffering from a cold. Something new everyday...

Here's to wishing I was anywhere but this house, but this shore....

Good ol' Maine

2006-11-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

Maine State Constitution Article I, Section 16

Every citizen has a right to keep and bear arms and this right shall never be questioned.

That's it. That's all it takes. Simple. Sweet. Effective. I like Maine.

Into the fire with you dunderhead.

2006-11-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

Here I am sitting in a class, knowing that maybe I should actually want to pay attention. I mean...its environmental science. It's a really interesting subject! So many things you could do with it. Anywhere from learning about environment impact and how North Americans are pretty much retarded to learning about how to live off the land with minimal impact. Despite the potential...we're not really learning what I want. We're talking about over population right now. I already have my solution to this problem...most people don't like my solution but o well. By golly I'm not depopulation manager for nothing. I feel like this is a problem, but it isn't something I can do anything about right now. I want to learn about practical things that I can help get moving to make a difference. Stop telling me how bad things are all over the place. Tell me how to make a difference, how to build a mindset that is constantly aware of the natural world around me. Teach me how to farm without the need of chemicals. Teach me how to build a diesel engine converstion kit to biodiesel. Teach me how to train farmers how to care for their land and not farm it into nothing. This frustration, leads to me being discouraged...then I get bored....and wind up here typing on the blog looking up random things of interest [which is where the lobster and mushroom came from]. This just happens to be a theme I'm afraid. At the moment, I have so much work to do, so much that I really have to struggle to understand in my classes that if I were to ever get this all done I need a semi-solid or at least an understood environment. Yup...pretty much don't have that so I'm under fire from both sides. On top of that I'm making some changes in my head...and that throws any other aspect of stability I might have all out the window. My friends, who I would look to for stability, are going through changes themselves and interaction is sporadic and most of the time confusing. To wrap it all up I'm getting sick. We'll see how this semester goes. I have learned a ton about myself though. I can completely exist and function (albeit at a minimal level) out of my car without any real base. I never realized just how much work matters. Not homework mind you but job work. I'm not making nearly enough money to pay all the bills, but it gives me something that I'm actually good at. I realized yesterday that the CET is actually the only thing keeping me alive and here. Kind of a frightening realization if you ask me. That one thing could keep you standing. I'm rediscovering that I really need minutes where I can sit down, be outside, kick back, and enjoy life. I don't do constantly busy environments. I can handle lots of work, but not places where people aren't happy with themselves and running running running. I need environments where they test me physically, where I see the problem, address it, and cut through it. Only problem is I can't do that when I can't see the problem. These are still thoughts in my head and I'm not even sure they mean anything.

Anyhow:
friends are coming tomorrow
mom left for Guatemala today {she beat me out of the county...wtf}
tons of p-chem due this week
registration was yesterday
no idea what I'm doing with my life
just spent a ton of money I don't have getting ready for this winter

Half Cooked Lobsters and Bioluminescent Mushrooms

2006-10-28T16:49:00.000-04:00

I was rooting around online today looking for interesting tidbits of fun stuff and found a couple articles that just made me happy.

Lobster Caught "Half Cooked" in Maine

This lobster was live caught by a Maine lobsterman. I have never seen a live redish colored lobster ever and was just amazed. Unfortunately, their not going to cook this one so we can't find out how a genetic oddball lobster tastes.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/07/060720-lobster-photo.html

New Glowing Mushrooms Found in Brazil

Glowing mushrooms in the rainforest. How can you not eat these. I mean...come on! What happens if I eat them and I glow! That'd be awesome. My only question is how exactly has no one discovered these yet? They freaking glow in the dark!

and remember kids....
All mushrooms are edible, but some...only once.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/10/061026-fungi-glow.html

Tybo is a steller bread baker...
-steph

Street Gang In Maine

2006-10-27T08:45:00.000-04:00

This is why the violent crime rate in Maine is so low....nobody wants to butt in on these guys' turf. Especially with mom on lead.

Going to crash hard this weekend. I have a ton of work to do but probably going to sleep all weekend. We'll see. I will post more this weekend, but the body is hollering at me to sleep. I sleep for 6 hours, am fine for two, then fall asleep at work, go somewhere and sleep for a little while, good for two hours, then fall asleep in class, sleep for a half hour, start some hw, then fall asleep on my p-chem book. Getting annoying.

Home again! Home again! Jiggety-Jig

2006-10-24T14:45:00.000-04:00

I'm home. Huge med exam tonight, great big huge p-chem exam tomorrow and through next week. I will post about my amazing adventures maybe tonight if I think the distraction is beneficial. Other than that...I'm just not gonna sleep.

Leaving for ID tomorrow

2006-10-19T00:04:00.001-04:00

Here I sit.
6 P-chem Hw sets behind,
P-chem in class exam wednesday
P-chem take home exam wednesday
PL exam tomorrow
PL paper due tomorrow
Money running low
Safe places running out
Sanity a long way off

but,

I get to see my best friend tomorrow
and fly on my first jet
hang out with an amazing family
spend time with real people
heal a little, relax a little
get a good hug
and finally...maybe...be able to have some fun

somehow somehow somehow hold together

here's to chillin' on a mountain sharing the outhouse with friends and big game.
living in the trees where i should be.
will i...should i come back?

Gott sein Freitag danken

2006-10-13T09:48:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone. I lost my usb2.0 to mini enhanced cable so the pics on my camera are stuck there for a bit until i find it. This is the problem living mainly out of your car/ friend's places...so many more options for places to lose things. Which is bad...especially now. I have a ton of work to do and no time to do it...so it might be later this weekend before I can post again. Brandon and I might disappear into the woods for a while this weekend I think. Necessary abondonment if you will. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted.

Where not doing biology anymore dorothy....

2006-10-05T08:56:00.000-04:00

Last tuesday, I had the great pleasure of participating in physical chemistry lab. Thermodynamic Physical chemistry is the study of molecular level interactions and how they affect macroscopic results. We study in some depth the behavior of matter and the transformation between different forms of energy. Our task for this lab is to measure the potential energy of a piece of pizza and compare the energy content found between supreme and meat lovers. I am sure this is not a question most people just come up with at random. Only a thermodynamic chemist with waaay too much time on his hands could come up with this one. O well.

In order to measure this potential energy...you have to release it. What better way then blow it up? The instrument used to do this is...yes...called a bomb. Some chemist decided that his job was so exceptionally boring that he decided to name a piece of equipment in his lab something daring and exciting to increase the..."romantic" appeal. So, he named a cup in a bucket with a 200 dollar thermometer a bomb. Sigh. Basically, the bomb, the pic to the right, is placed in a tin bucket full of water. This assembly is then placed in a bigger bucket so as to best simulate a closed thermodynamic system. A dried, compressed pellet of sample is placed under O2 pressure in the bomb contacting a small piece of ignition wire. [Da Bomb]
When the time comes, high current is passed through the wire and the pellet is combusted. As the heat moves out of the bomb it passes into the water surrounding it. This temperature change is measured very precisely and can be used to determine the total energy content of the sample. It doesn't even really blow up...it doesn't even sound cool. You get all psyched up for something cause your pushing the go button on a peice of equipment called an Oxygen BOMB calorimeter and then....nothing. Besides the emotional let down you may be wondering what's so bad about this lab.[Me and the ~200 dollar thermometer.] In the four hours we were in lab, we were only able to complete one of our 3 trials. [Me and the ~200 dollar thermometer]
If this isn't frustrating I don't even know what is. By the end I was about ready to take the whole darn thing and throw it down the fire escape. If one of our runs is an incomplete combustion so help me...I hope there isn't anyone actually using the fire escape right about then.

Don't get me wrong...it is kind of amusing that I can now tell you exactly how much energy is in this piece of pizza but....

I made a realization today. I have finally crossed the line from biology to chemistry. Many of my chem classes prior to this semester have been occupied by biologists from various disciplines. This class, P-chem, is the first class not at all designed to be somewhat condusive to a biological student. The wierd part of it is...I'm not so sure I like it. It's a fact that I am not happy with physical chemistry...this much I know. No one in their right mind needs a thermometer that you read through a magnifying class. You couldn't find a biologist within a mile of this thing. Except of course my lab partner who is the psychotic double major below. This thermometer can be read to the thousandths place. What the heck? I don't need to know that the water inside the bomb is .043 degrees off from room temperature and slowly coming to equilibrium. I...don't...care. I am now coming to the conclusion that spending the rest of my life putting 10 hours a day everyday inside of a lab would, for all intensive purposes, mess me up. I definately still love science...just not the kind where you get to stare at numbers all day and look longingly out the window at the real world. Looking back on my class history, I can see that most of the bio classes I took were really easy for me...and the most of the chem classes I took I had to fight through.....umm....crap? Where was my head? Have I been toying with so the wrong career? Sigh...

Here I go; There I go; Everywhere I go go!

2006-10-03T11:08:00.000-04:00

Luckily for me the sun was shining when I woke up this morning. So, my splitting headache had a reason to run away to a more weather burdened high stress individual. Unfortunately, my homework does not share this sentiment. I have enough work to do today to keep me going till ground hogs day at least...if not the forth of july. I' m now going through the list of things and attempting to determine just what I can not do and still pass. I know this is dangerous in more ways than one, but upon the recent discovery that my body/brain is so not geared right now to walk in the halls of academia damage control and preemptive strike patterns are my primary focus. I have plenty to distract me: good friends far away, no money, lots of bills, not really sleeping, forgetting that I can say no (yeah, got that lecture again last night...you'd think I would learn), steady discoveries of who I used to be and remembering who much I loved it, constant reminders of things I would love to leave behind, and constant realizations that when I do I will have lost...when you leave things behind you don't learn from them. The strength is in walking the distance to understanding and "grok'ing" if you will. Anyone can run the course; it takes strength and a little stupidity to walk it. When you've walked the path, been cut up, burned up and hurt, you step back and learn from it and become that much stronger.

On a lighter note I can't seem to keep my pants on. They almost fell off walking to emery yesterday. This is a problem. I put another hole in the belt which has proven largely ineffective. I'm running out of belt...is this good?

Crimson at a Distance

2006-09-16T00:12:00.000-04:00

Crimson at a Distance
(revision 2; 9/15/06)

The front has been held, but only by the blood of those most precious. Tired soldiers gaze the gaze of indifference as the ground again rumbles with the enemies renewed offensive. One soldier; battered, bloodied, broken...kneels beside his gently rested rifle and bades his eyes to once again shield him from vistas of death. Marrow laden blood seeps from wounds that won't seem to heal. Air laden with the smell of sweat and fear pass resolutely through his lungs. Spirit torn, heart held together by precious tendrils of love given freely together shiver quietly in the wake of pounding fire. Bullets scream around him, but they find no refuge from their ballistic torment here in this ragged life. Even bullets respect sacrifice.

Few men have seen the true horrors this soldier's eyes have partaken. Few felt the rip of pure agony when brother after brother fell beside him, for him. Many more would feel the shocking pain of betrayal before the whims of wise men were satisfied. Dawn caressed open weary tear laden eyes. Only the reassuring hand of a rallying co patriot returned life to the young soldier's limbs. Perhaps this day he would yield. Perhaps this day he would find peace along with his squandered kin. For now, bitter hate and helpless confusion are safely set aside for cold efficient execution.

One round for one life. No longer do his eyes shutter as the concussion roles from the barrel. Unwavering, he chooses each target with his blazing reticule. With little effort he aims for his kill zone and puts to rest another tortured soul. Steaming shells bear his malice. As foe after foe meet the plane of his rifle only one hope remains: that his life be enough to buy those who gave, another chance at freedom.

-Ty

Where am I?

2006-09-15T22:28:00.000-04:00

For those of you desperately wondering what happened to me...well here's why. No, I haven't disappeared, at least not yet, just been insanely busy. My schedule looks kind of like this:

Monday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20
Senior Sem: 16:30 - 17:30

Tuesday
Physical Chemistry Lab: 13:15 - 16:15
EMT-B: 18:30 - 22:30

Wednesday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20

Thursday
Work: 11:25 - 13:30
Senior Tech Meeting: 13:30 - 14:30
EMT-B: 18:30 - 22:30

Friday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20
Chemical Biology Tea: 16:30 - 17:30

Somewhere in here is the time required for the wonderful tons of homework, extra admin duties at the CET, meetings and pulling hair out sections. I already have a great case of chronic senioritis...this is bad. Combine that with 4ish hours of sleep a night this should be an interesting semester. If I have somehow neglected you please know that it was most definitely not on purpose. I have a habit of filling up my days. I've gotten really good at it. I'm not really impressed at this fact, but I have friends working to break me of this habit. Please don't think I don't want to hang out. Just keep trying, you'll catch me free one of these days.

Progress?

2006-08-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to post for a while due to my computer being all retarded. Classes started last night with my CPR-Pro class which was amazing. Today looks to be much hectic, confusing, exhausting, totally lacking in free food and probably a half dozen other exciting emotions I've totally overlooked. There is hope though. I am now an uncle 2x (boy, pics coming) and the MY CRAFTSMAN HAS BEEN FOUND. Apparently, it was left to rest in a bag of potato gun mayhem as my mom put it. Also, subway is having a 2ft long subs for 8 dollars deal. While life right now is sort of like trying to bail out a sinking cruise liner with a spaghetti strainer...there is progress. Whatever that means.

Mystery Munchies

2006-08-25T00:52:00.000-04:00

Today starts a long weekend dealing with wonderful freshman and their ever present parents. On top of that... coming out of a hard summer, staring at year that promises to be absolutely brutal in everyway, closing up a very confusing/wonderful/long day, burdened with a body that can't take the punishment I'm giving it, realizing that I can't be the hero in a game I've never played, amazing friends who's love and support means more than they could ever know, thankful for the awesome family I have, blessed with an amazing God and faced with a life of scattered peices all with meaning just none that I understand...I have only one reaction. I have no idea where this reaction came from...no flippin' clue how I could manage this right now. I'm so exhausted wondering if my alarm will go off in the morning is stressing me out. Out of all this...only a smile adorns my face as I struggle to find sleep. Not a grimace, not a gasp, not an expression of fear and worry, not even a resolute expression of determination...but a smile. Kind of makes ya wonder what was really in those teddy grams I munched on.

Wonderings

2006-08-23T23:37:00.000-04:00

Through all our failures there shines a light. Though the source eludes us we press onward harder still. Falling to demons unchecked, we bleed our life blood into the greedy soil. Our tears wash the ground with each blow. Regret and fear reside in our souls as the lives we sought to protect slip away. Stumbling time and again...have we been so foolish as to think we could overcome? Our foe tears flesh he knows better than its bearer. Can there be an end? Have we bleed and lost for so little?

-ty

Wherefore art thou Craftsman?

2006-08-19T23:27:00.000-04:00

My life has ground to a halt. My most favorite and most precious screwdriver has been lost. I spent 30 blood and sweat earned dollars purchasing my Craftsman Ratcheting Screwdriver set (that features a soft-grip handle and onboard bit storage in handle with 14 assorted bits) and now it is gone. I searched high and low, left and right, everywhere. Other screwdrivers just can't compare. They just don't have the selective rachetting shaft, the plethora of various asundery interchangeable bits, or the life time warranty. My precious screwdriver. So many memories. Your black and yellow body still springs life into lost and weary screws. I remember when I first bought you at sears. I remember all the furniture, electronics and doors you have given new life to. I even remember when Jenn viciously broke one of your bits...but you still remained my favorite. O craftsman screw driver...COME BACK! I'll never again leave you in the hands of reckless drivers. Never more will I open tuna with your wide edge regular bit! No longer shall I force your torx bits into stubborn hex screws! And I won't ever go back to that stanely again...I promise...it was only that one time....and only because you were packed...JUST COME BACK!!!!

Rainy day to crap on a rock.

2006-08-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

For lack of neccessary energy and grammar skills to post anything exciting I give you me after my startling discovery that huge sic nasty thunderstorms go faster than my lawn mower. I am completely and utterly soaked. All for the sake of making a few million blades of grass 2 inches shorter. Is it really worth it I ask?

Upon further consideration it was determined that even while soaked I'm kind of boring. So, I give you a picture of a frog who most definately needs to learn how to hide better.

For those of you who have already become immediately concerned for the saftey of the frog yes...I threw him into the ditch before leaving the station. Only problem is there were lots of these around:
And these:

So, unless you built one of these like I did:

The frog probably ended up as crap on a rock.

Yes, i know crows and geese don't always eat frogs...but I have definately seen wierder this summer. Who knew having a digital camera was this fun? I could have been letting the world know how much of a goof I am years ago!

What a face!

2006-08-13T22:11:00.000-04:00

I don't have the energy to make a long entry, so...I will just include a wonderfully happy picture of growing neice and a little poem I came up with today. Deer caught in the headlights? No way. More like....WASSUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!

Under

When darkness falls,
All full of gloom,
There is no light of day.

When spinning wheels,
And clicking heels,
Can no longer save the day.

I fall flat out,
Cry staight out,
Wondering of the day.

I can not drive,
To run and hide,
Kids are in the way.

Like a fish on board,
I flip and flap,
Gasping for the water.

I see the end,
That precious end,
That gets only much farther.

To what end,
For what end,
I can only wonder.

I flip once more
I flap once more,
I think I'll go back under.

One Way, NO, This Way. What way? I like my way.

2006-08-08T23:25:00.000-04:00

So, you know those times when all the thoughts and chaotic ramblings that have been bouncing around your head for a long time all of a sudden congeal into a major revelation? Then, it busts and you go chasing it around frantically like a 4 year old after a rolling sugar cookie. The chaos resumes quickly. Thoughts of the summer you wanted not being the summer you had; the man you thought you were isn't the man you are; the man other people see isn't the man you really are; the list of summer things that could never happen in a million years and the life you have that is headed somewhere and you have no inkling of a clue where it's going. In addition, there are those tiny little revelations that you achieve everyday that just serve to confuse everything: wow...that factory beveled edge on that pine board really isn't straight now that I've made the cut based on the measurement using that edge, hammers are meant for nails and errant peices of house construction..not fingers, large holes in "critical areas" of one's pants are useful for working on hot summer days but damaging to one's public appearance, ice packs don't keep your lunch cold if they sit all night in your lunch box, lawn mowers don't run well without gas, hugs make the sun shine a little brighter, days with prayer are harder than days without it, it takes a few minuets to recover vision after mistakenly staring directly at the sun or steel toe boots protect your toes from falling gates and weedwackers only slightly better when being worn in comparison to sitting in the back of your car all day. Through all of these dragon rearing thoughts and mini-revelations a friend sits you down and asks for help and you honestly have no idea what to say...only that God cares darn it and so do I. Another, sits you down and tells you just how messed up you really are...and that it's okay. Wrapping up the conversation with that little bit of a loving comment that bring all the thoughts and chaotic ramblings that have been bouncing around your head for a long time into a major revelation. {Return to top} [Repeat as needed]

The First Good Day

2006-08-01T21:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't written much lately but bare with me. I've been pretty crazy the last few days. Things are starting to come back down to something almost like normal but not really...what is normal? I left normal a long time ago. I think I left it somewhere near the locality of Fort-Comfortzone...or in the ditch just outside of town.

Today...was good. Seeing as how the past say three months have been rather rough I'm not sure just exactly how good today was by most standards, but I think today was good. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't break anything, I got my work done, and had a few good laughs. Haven't laughed for a little while...so I will share with you my opportunities to laugh and learn today.

Today was the second day of having only one job. I told boss b I was wearing myself into a hole. He just said yup, let me know when you feel like working again and I'll find something for ya to do. Only God could have made it go that easy. I fretted for what...days if not a week or more about getting done and it was over with no sweat in less than 15 seconds.

What have I been doing with the afternoons and evenings? Well, I've been cleaning my room and sleeping. I am going through everything I own and figuring out what I need to survive and what I don't need to survive. Some stuff is going into file 13, some stuff into the attic, some stuff back under the bed. It is suprisingly difficult to get rid of things. I keep thinking I will always need this or that or I couldn't possibly get rid of that so and so gave it to me. I've just been closing my eyes and chucking. Somehow, my little room still feels really full. I'm not sure why...it just does.

I slept for nine hours last night. Woke up this morning exhausted. I stayed exhausted all day until about 3. Now I'm exhausted again. I think my body is rebelling against this whole actually getting sleep thing.

I'm discovering things that I've forgotten over the past few years. I am now realizing how much I enjoy camping. Not necessarily staying a few nights at Bob's family tent park or what have you...but travelling to some random "sort of named" mountain and spending a few days there. Or going to a lake that is better known by a number than a name. I already have two Mtns picked out: Moose Mtn. and NightHawk Mtn. I'm not sure if I can even get close enough to them with my little car but by golly I'm gonna try. Problem is...I'm running out of summer.

A second thing I have discovered is just how much the few friends I've let get to know me really care. I've been so distracted by other things I almost totally missed it. If I missed thanking you with all my heart for something please accept my humble apologies. Know that I do not forget such gestures.

I saw a few things today that you probably will only see in northern maine, and maybe some random places in the less populated western states. I guess this is the start of my "only in the county" series. The road you are looking at is called Dyer st. It is fairly well travelled and often sees a good amount of commuter traffic throughout the day. This tractor trailor driver needed to get his trailer up against this particular loading dock. The loading dock door is only say 10 ft from the edge of the road. As you can see the road goes through the middle of his trailor. He is blocking the entire road plus most of both parking lots on either side. There is only 6ft or so of the parking lot across the street left for cars to get by. The tractor stayed there about 2 hours...amazing. If you tried this at school you would have every wrecker and police officer within 10 miles racing to the scene. Here...I don't even think anyone thought to call the police. It was quite amusing to watch the reactions of people having to maneuver around the cab for the few minutes I stood there. Most people just smiled, a few laughed...though a few wrapped their lower lips around their forhead a couple times in protest. Yet another reason to appreciate aroostook county.

The second happening today that made me laugh was an announcement I heard on the radio news. Apparently, a gentleman working for a software company wanted some paid vacation. So, he told his boss that he needed 3 months paid vacation so he could be home taking care of his son with cancer. The company granted him the time. Why not? After the three months, the employee returned to work explaining that the son had died, thus freeing him up to return to his responsibilities at the company. All was good and dandy until the boss tried to send flowers to the dead son's funeral. Needless to say, the hoax was discovered shortly thereafter. The man is now being sued big time by the company. Hokey Mokey!!! If you need time off just tell your boss. Are you seriously that lazy? I can't believe he actually made it three months with everyone simply assuming his son had cancer! And then you try and fake his death when you've had enough paid vacation? Honestly, come on. Your smart enough to make it three months faking your son being sick and you try to wrap it up with death fraud? Why not just tell your boss that he went into remission and is doing great. Why...he's even looking and acting like a boy who never had cancer at all!! What a miracle!!! Buddy, you deserve every bit of what's coming to you. I had to pull over when I heard this on the radio. What a wonderful laugh.

Nice Guys, Dumb Guys and North County Roads

2006-07-25T21:43:00.000-04:00

I got this from a friend and thought it was rather amusing.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Nice guys don't just finish last, they get kneed in the guts and the nuts, then stabbed in the back, kicked while they're down, shot in the face, then shot in the nads until she's out of mags, and then thrown into a grave she made him dig without his knowledge, and then buried in time for a dance that involves sea of urine unto said grave followed immediately by running off with a guy and forgetting all about you. Even if you were just a little more than friends.

I wish women would save this truly frightening level of what can only be malice for the guys that are the jerks that actually screw them over.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

From my experience this is totally true. While the fore-mentioned account is rather vivid I think it describes exactly what happens to guys when girls abuse lines such as: "God said we should break up" or "I just need to date different people for a while". Many a friend have recieved those .30-.30 rounds to the stomach before and become a sobbing mess at their dorm room desks. It's amazingly hard to know what to say when you see the kindest and most loving guys you know disembowled by an apparently heartless female. People always quote the cliche its better to love and lost then never to have loved at all. In this case...that's crap.

Somehow this tragedy reminds me of other such ironic paralells. For instance, I know about 20 - 30 people who have never taken a turn with more than two wheels touching the ground. They never have to buy shocks because their cars aren't touching the surface of the road long enough to wear them out. These guys are never ever ever ever stopped by police. Then there's me...who gets stopped for doing 8 over. Granted, once they look at the record the just let me go with a smile, but still. I have counted down the meters as idiots pass me on a busy highway while I'm driving the truck with a 30ft trailer on it. Yes, I pass trucks when they are going slow...but I'm usually going the speed limit when I'm driving the truck and these guys seem to think that playing chicken with a semi at 85 mph is fun. Trust me, the semi doesn't care and isn't going to move and I can't stop that fast either...if you mess up or misjudge this move your dead just because you wanted your snot on a burger faster.

I do speed and drive crazy often...but I do my bit on back country roads where it takes a little doing to stay on the road at 70...and there no one else in the car or on the road...except for moose. They usually just watch but every once in a while they run out to join the fun. This is when you find out if your a good driver or not. The half a second that seperates you from getting to know the moose's rear end a little more intimately or waving at him in the rearview mirror is esophagus squeezing to say the least. Its when a good friend gets stuck with the first option do you stop and realize. You grip the wheel a little harder and try to push it out of your mind. You focus on the road and try to outrun the memories and the fears. Northern maine roads are the best for outrunning things. They're long, curvy, hilly, narrow, and remote. Not many other people around to see you screw up. Not many people around to hear you scream as the needle pushes the bottom. I would go faster...but Danielle doesn't do well past 100...and she didn't really appreciate the 120...so I try and keep those speeds for especially trying times and a little flatter roads.

2006-07-24T19:10:00.000-04:00

What a day. As I went through my day I discovered that I have only ingested approximently 270 µg/ml of caffeine today(I am usually hitting ~12,000 - 13,000 µg/ml a day to stay alert) which would explian why I pulled into a work site today and promptly collapsed lengthwise on the seat truck seat for the next 45 min. Luckily, I was the only one there so I didn't have any awkard explaining to do. Equally as lucikly I didn't do that while I was driving. The equipment I use is worth more than my house...no clue how in the world I would pay that one back if I put the truck in sombodie's kitchen. So, I can't decide whether its better to involuntarily sink into unconsiousness or maintain the attention span of a squirrel. The latter one is also difficult to manage. One of the buildings I clean in my second job is a TV station. They have TVs in EVERY room...that building takes way longer than it should.
I did take a cool picture with the phone today. Its a butterfly sitting on one of the trailers. I also have a sweet picture of two flies...umm...yeah...but I didn't think that would be the best thing to post at the moment. Perhaps if I write about a related topic it could make a good object lesson or something.

I know I work too hard. Friends have been telling me this for weeks...but I guess I suck at listening. Bills are a great motivator. I'm running low on money to maintain the caffeine stamina...and the constant flow of adrenaline that has been pushing through my chest constantly for the past month is getting unreliable and spotty, hence today, so I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to tell boss B twice that I would like to get done but neither attempt has worked. The first one I chickened out on and the second one I could not for the life of me contact my him. Sigh. Guess I'm stuck for a while.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams
-DHT

Pride

2006-07-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

Pride is like gasoline. A little whiff and it's a good thing. A whole great bunch of it...And all it takes is a dude with a match to send you into orbit. So, a little bit of pride can be a good thing. Small bits of pride promote confidence and strength (which I need right now). Let's just say my pride gas tank was getting low...then tonight I went at it with an acetylene torch. Like I've said earlier I have two jobs. My second job often includes cleaning businesses between the hours of 4pm and 2 am after my day job, which occurs from the hours of 7am and 4pm. I have been holding this schedule everyday for the past month and a half. Needless to say lately, I have been making stupid mistakes that I don't usually make. For example: two of the buildings I clean are located in a small town 30 or so miles deeper into the great northern maine woods than my home town. Yeah I know, more remote than my town....go figure. The great metropolis of Ashland has something like 4 gas stations, one small hardware store, a post office, one police officer, three banks, and four people. What they need three banks for I have no idea. Anyway, I clean the chip steam power plant up the road, and one of the banks. The night started out like anyother night. The cleaning of the plant went smooth. I chilled with the guys in the control room as they laughed about eachother and made light of certain other activities every person I've ever known who does mill work make light of. Once I finally got out of there, ahead of schedule even, I made my way to the bank. This bank is arranged with a small lobby holding an atm in the front, then a locked door leading into the bank itself. I went in, unlocked the door, disarmed the security system, and proceeded to get the tunes pounding and me cleaning. It went great, I was grooving and cleaning and having a wonde...errr...okay time. Then...I made the fateful decision to move on to cleaning the windows. The windows that I needed to clean were in the little atm lobby. Before I let the inner door close, I checked my back pocket to make sure I had keys in them then went on the to windows. Come to find out...the keys in my pocket were not the keys to the bank but the keys to my car. I was now officially locked out of the bank I was supposed to be cleaning. The keys, were sitting on one of the cabinets right beside my cell phone. I had no way to call my boss (who just happened to be on his was to Bangor about 4 hours away anyhow). I had no options. No one wants to let some random guy make a long distance call on their phone and I tried. You'd think finding the policeman in a town with three streets would be really easy...yeah no. I even went "trolling" for policemen and I didn't get any. To keep this entry short, an hour and a half later the bank manager arrived to unlock the door and wrench every last bit of precious pride out of the bottom of my stomach. What's worse is that I only had roughly ten minutes of work left in the bank. I just wanted to crawl under one of the clerks desks and die. My luck if I did that I would accidentally bump the nice alarm button and actually get to meet that friendly police officer that no one in the world knows where he is half the time. In short, my day has been pretty much the most frustrating day I've had in a while.

Hardest Learned Lessons

2006-07-18T00:11:00.000-04:00

I've learned a great deal in the past week.

Opportunites are lost.
You understand the failure,
You morn the loss,
You accept the loss,
You move on.

Things are lost.
You adapt to life without them,
You morn the things,
You accept the loss,
You move on.

People are lost,
You learn from them,
You remember them,
You mourn them,
You accept them,
You move on.

People die.
You learn from their lives,
You remember the good times,
You mourn the loss,
You accept their death,
You honor their death,
You move on.

This is the nature of things.

5 Little Cards

2006-07-16T19:56:00.000-04:00

5 Little Cards

I laid down my sword today.
I traded it for 5 flimsey notecards.
Their blue stained threads have held many words,
But today they held my defense.

As my demons raged upon me my hand longed for the powerful grip of a sword.
But I timidly revealed 5 little cards to mine enemies.
And I read.

My past was dealt with at the cross.
No demon has strength over me.
My sins died a long time ago with my Saviour.
They did not raise with Him.
The enemy has no power.
He has only lies.

Today, I lowered ancient walls of fear and shame.
Walls I built to keep those who cared out, kept the enemy in.
They have fallen.
I have revealed myself to those who I struggled to hide from.
I have revealed myself to the enemy.

Before, all that was left was what I pretended to be.
But I am a Child of the King.
Nothing can stop that now,
My heart bleeds for only one.

The road ahead is long, but I will walk it with Your strength.
I know it will hurt and my hand will long for the sword again.
Instead, I will pull those 5 battered little note cards out.

I will fall.
But this time I will fall for You.
When the blood covers my eyes,
And I can no longer read what is written on those 5 cards.
I will speak softly to my enemy.
For those 5 little cards are written on my heart.

-Ty

(Thank you so much Jenn. I don't know how to say it any other way. Thank you)

Random Stuff I have discovered about me and the outside world.

2006-07-15T00:49:00.000-04:00

These aren't in any real order. I just wrote them as the sifted out of my confused brain.

3 months of little to no sleep....really stinks.

When I am stressed and tired:
-my brain goes into neutral without telling me. Yeah...awkward.
-pencils are distracting.
-all voluntary control of the left eyelid is lost.
-stupid things are a big deal. The other day I forgot a spoon for my yogurt. I almost died. You would have thought I was an recovering bipolar patient on relapse. After a few minutes, I discovered that if you squeeze the yogurt container hard enough the yogurt comes out way faster than it ever did with a spoon. How fun is that.

When caffeine concentration reaches and/or exceeds blood plasma concentrations fun things happen; limbs move on their own accord, muscles you didn't know you had twitch, you forget your lunch box at home but remember in great detail the day your kindergarten teacher asked you to spell the word "car" in front of the class.

Worry is an abuse of imagination. I'm good at this one.

It hurts to cry for help.

50cc hedge trimmers should not be used by people who really like power tools.

There is no therapy for depression like old fashion pain.

If at all possible, move to maine and convince your boss that you melt when you get wet. Then you will get lots of days off. Unfortunately, some weeks ago I walked to my car and back into the garage while it was raining. My boss ran out to see which parts of me dissolved first. I work in the rain a lot now.

A mixture of caffeine, taurine, Dextromethorphan HBr, Pseudoephedrine HCI, sugar, acetaminophen makes the pain and the exhaustion go away...AND I can still drive.

I have way too much fun with industrial lawn equipment.

I drive a commercially registered vehicle, which means I can legally be stopped at any time and given a drug test...crap. My supervisor says I am a professional driver...really? Is that why everybody always waves at me while I'm driving?

They say love will always find you. Sigh. I guess love doesn't look under the bed...I'm screwed.

Shakira's song hips don't lie...is pathetic. Music has officially reached a new low.

People get mad at you when you drive on the wrong side of the road.

Gravity sucks.

Getting your Z-mower stuck in a ditch the size of the Grand Canyon because you somehow didn't see it coming really really stinks....yeah turned that afternoon into bundles of non-embarrassing fun.

I need to stop listening to the radio while I'm at work. All they play are baby I love you or baby how could I have lost you songs. Seeing as how the only baby I have is Danielle my car...I don't think these songs are constructive. I don't need to be singing my heart out wishing Danielle would come back to me. Most of them are just depressing anyway. I'll wait till I have someone to sing them to that could do more than grumble at me when I suck at shifting.

I've decided I do not want to work in a lab for my entire life. I've never heard of a Field Chemist...but by golly I'm gonna be one.

I need to get out of this country...Americans are starting to bug me.

Weddings are stressful.

Little old ladies who think they are God's gift to the stupid stress me out.

Lawn mowers, chronic exhaustion, emotional instability, and little children DO NOT MIX. There is a strange rarely seen part of you that is fed up with life the way it is and takes it upon itself to determine the casualty rate of a drive-by-mowing while the rest of you desperately tries to bury the aforementioned portion of your psyche. If you or anyone you know should find yourself in this position please do the following:
- disengage the blades
- proceed to the largest non-movable object and bash yourself silly. If not successful, repeat
until unconsciousness is obtain.

I don't like turning people's power off. It's my job so I do it. Most of the time I feel really bad when it ends up with me having to cut the power, but there are times when I don't really mind. There are those people who legitimately forget to pay or honestly don't have the cash. Then the situation is tough. There are those people though, who have 4 atvs parked out front, three sleds out back, a 45,000 dollar truck, two satellite dishes, a pool bigger than my house, a big screen tv so big you have to sit across the room to see the whole thing at once and lawn ornaments. Yeah no...sorry not feeling bad for you today. You can do all of the following and I still will turn off your power:
-pout
-smile
-offer me a drink
-offer me a beer
-start telling me about the renovations your doing to your house and how expensive they are.
not come to the door (funny thing is, I can pound on the door and have nobody answer, or better yet have somebody else come to the door and tell me the account holder isn't home and when I go turn off the meter WALA, the account holder appears out of thin air...its MAGIC)
- close all the blinds
-start yelling at your kids
-start yelling at me
-scream bloody murder at your poor innocent dog
-blame your spouse( most common one is: she has the check book)
-blame Bush
-blame me
-blame the ground I walk on
-Find new creative colorful ways to describe me
-give me "messages" for my boss
-you can come to the door in nothing but a towel and hope I'll be impressed enough to not disconnect you so you can finish your shower. (all you really succeeded in doing was giving me something to whistle about on the way outback to the meter)
-act surprised (right...your 950 dollars short on a 60 dollar a month bill...ya saw this one coming sister)

Yes, all of these things have been tried on me by actual customers. The worst one was when the person that came out in the towel was a nasty old guy. I just about barfed.

The Piece Too Deep

2006-07-12T22:43:00.000-04:00

They lay all about my feet: yellow pieces, red pieces, green pieces, black pieces. The shards sparkled gold in the azure haze of dusk. They flared and dimmed their colors like so many coals left behind from a roaring fire. Somehow, they seemed familiar to me. I tried to put the pieces back together. This jagged edge to this one. The beveled rim lines up here. As I placed each piece gently back in place the one before it would loosen, then fall. I began to attempt to hold all the pieces in shape while adding new ones at the same time. I failed time after time. With each attempt I became more and more frustrated. I began to fear what would happen if I couldn't get them all in place. What would they think? I creased my forehead in effort as I added glue to each broken piece. Surprisingly, it held together. I slowly added glue to the edge of the last piece and put it in place. Perspiration lubricated my hands as they rung. It held. I began to notice something strange about the object I had just reconstructed. It was incomplete. There were pieces I had somehow missed. I scoured the floor searching for any sign of the forlorn shards. Confused, I paused a moment to take another look at the object. At that instant the glue gave way and the pieces exploded around the room. Tears began to flow. I threw myself to my knees and frantically started reassembling the object but now no piece would hold. The jagged edges soon found rest in my shaking hands. Blood flowed freely adding its dark hue to the radiant color about the shards. My anguished sobs must have wakened him. Father came into the room without a word. He picked up my shaking body and looked deep in those flowing eyes. "My child," He said, "Why are you trying to put the old pieces back together? Why not start anew? Shape them better than they ever were before." He gently laid me on the floor and cradled my pierced hands in His. "First though, we must remove these old shards." My Father gently grasped on one of the small shards and began to pull. Pain scattered every coherent thought I had. I clenched my fist driving the piece deeper into the palm. "NO!" I cried, "It hurts too much." "Yes," He whispered,” The deep ones often do, but you must unclench your fist before I can get them out. If they stay in infection will follow." I stared into His eyes wondering if this really was the only way. My now ribboned hand mirrored the broken shards. I wanted to tell him to go away. I could get these pieces out. I could put them all back together. I did it once, I could do it again...but in the reaches of His eyes I saw the answer. Some battles need not be fought alone. With one deep breath I uncurled my ravaged fingers. "I trust You."

-Ty

2006-07-10T21:55:00.000-04:00

So tired.

Good ol' Northern Maine fun

2006-07-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

The past several days have been intense. Friday night my boss gave me the night off so I got together with several of my boys and geared up for an evening of much needed northern Maine stupidity. We searched the county and found an older GMC truck that we bought for 150 bucks. The thing was a wreck...but we worked hard and got here running. Saturday we drove her out to the badlands (deep woods logging area with numerous dirt roads) where we were delighted to find another beater car dumped in the woods. We hot wired it, got her running and sent that poor honda flying down the road with the ol’tacoma close at her heels. We pulled over into a gravel pit to prep the cars for some off roading. After painting them both pink (because we can) we removed the windshields, most of the lights, any non essential features, and gassed them up. We then promptly got the tacoma stuck in a flippin' pond and spent till 5am Sunday morning pulling it out. After a few hours of sleep it was back into the woods for some hardcore northern maine rally car racing. The five of us piled in the two cars and bombed through logging roads bashing and drifting. In the midst of this I managed to mis-read the road and bash my head on the tacoma. I recieved the standard: mild concussion, big gash on the head, temporary loss of hearing you know...the normal. After having a buddy check out the wound it was deemed survivable. I tightened on my hat so as not to lose too much more blood, cleaned the blood off my glasses...and jumped back in. It was perhaps two hours later that we simultaneously crashed the GMC and tore open the fuel tank on the honda. Remember mind you we are miles away from my little berretta and my buddies' caddy. Miles of winding dirt roads with no cell reception. So, it was decided that I would start the walk back to the cars while the other guys worked on unframing the truck and trying to get it started. About an hour later they finally got it out and barely running. With my buddy sitting on the hood holding the serpentine belt on the pulley track they set off down the road pushing the honda in front of them. They picked me up and we slowly continued on our way back home. Once back at the gravel pit we beat the heck out of the truck. Including, in part, putting a large rock on the accelerator and standing back pouring .22 rounds into the radiator. After a few salvos, she blew the biggest cloud of steam I've ever seen into the cold air while melting nearly every plastic part anywhere near the block. Throughout the whole weekend our activities were interrupted by paintball guns, sling shots loaded with paintballs, spud guns, choice beverages and good ol' time toe cable. In short...I had an amazing weekend. I got absolutely nothing done that I was supposed to...and no sleep, but it was worth it.

(Please note: we are experienced in all of the above activites. Do not attempt off-roading, rallyracing, paintballing, or in general being retarded without proper adult supervision.)

2006-06-28T23:29:00.000-04:00

I'm not really a poet...but I do write a little from time to time. Usually, I write about what is bouncing around most vigourously in my head. Sometimes positive occasionally glum. I haven't had the opportunity to work on my writing so it is not going to be terribly impressive. Oh well.

I am the lone wolf.
Covered in a sheen of ancient gray,
I move through the wilds.
Past streams, past forests,
By swamps and pastures.

I am tired and old.
My eyes bear the pain of failure and regret.
Scars, rekindle my past,
Of demons that have ravaged,
Of demons that ravage still.
I seek,
But do not find.

They fear me.
I do not wish to kill,
My heart is no longer in it.
For the silence of death has followed my hand for long enough,
No longer shall the earth drink deep of my actions.

My pack,
They loved me,
They continue to love,
But they know not of what I have become.
My heart has hardened,
My soul cold and dark.
I am the sorrow at the end of their trail of tears.
I seek,
But do not find.

Curse the rising sun,
It drags forth another day.
Of living with my past,
Of paying for my pain.
Only in the night does my anguish settle,
Yet not enough for screams to pass away.
I seek,
But do not find.

I am become the hunted.
My enemies rise to take me,
I have made no friends tonight.
What does it matter now,
One life to further another.
I will not go quietly,
I cannot, the lives I have taken demand this.

The fog of the past surrounds me,
The burden of regret hangs low.
All those who have loved,
Who have cared and hoped,
I have wasted their gifts.
I seek,
But do not find.

In a world of carnage I sink,
The stillness of death draws near.
Those who have challenged have fallen,
Yet their hate pierces deep.
My death will be heralded, then forgotten.
No matter,
My failure is complete.
I seek,
But I cannot find.

2006-06-26T06:44:00.000-04:00

Saturday, being my only day of the week to do work around the house and such was actually a wonderful day. I spent a good portion of it in my grandfather's basement doing some woodworking. We made some modifications/repairs to my desk as well as making a custom grip for my machete. I love my grandfather. He is 86 and still kicking. Heart problems and all of the issues associated with heart disease have been plaquing him for the past view years, thus I have made it an effort to try and get over to see him whenever I can. Grampa is very near and dear to my heart. He was a potato farmer turned metal fabricator for years upon years. Gramp taught me just about everything I know about working with wood, metal, and people. Now, he spents most of his time reading on the couch. It makes me sad to see such an incredible man restricted to mere academic stimulus 24/7. O well, such is the apparent way of things. I plan to spend as much time with him in the next few years that I can so when the end comes I know that he went home without being lonely, without wondering where his family was, or if anyone really still cared...such is the apparent way of America.

Time to start another psycho week. I think I am looking at 62~65 hours. Yet another hideously exciting week.

Work = Life

2006-06-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Hours worked this week = 69
Hours paid this week = 57 (don't ask)
Amount of sleep this week = ~19

Due to my incredible stupidity I am working two jobs. My first job, my day job, is amazing. I work for a power company mowing lawns at the maine offices and such. I get to use a lawn mower that is worth more then my car....stellar. I also read meters, work with meters, and disconnect people's meters when they don't pay. The last part isn't so hot though. I go to people's houses and talk to them about their lack of payment. If they can pay, or if they can work out a payment arrangement with the main office, I don't have to disconnect their meter. But if they can't pay I have to disconnect it. This stinks...especially if there are kids in the house. The look on their face when they hear that the TV is going to be turning off is heart wrenching enough to out class most disney movies. The job gets even more exciting when the parents decide to let out their frustrations on the poor meter guy that was sent our to deliver the final warning. I never knew there were quite so many colorful adjectives that described me...or my face for that matter. Wonderful shades of red, purple, and orange appear on most people's faces when, in the midst of all their loving comments, I smile...wish them a glorious afternoon...and saunter over to my truck praying that no sharp objects are going to enter my thoracic cavity while I put on my saftey gear. I had one gentleman tell me several times, after I had spoken to him about his bill, that it would be so easy to end it all with a single bullet. Yeah...that just about ruined my day. The picture you see above is me on a good day.

My second job is cleaning area business. I clean up after people too good to do it for themselves. Now, I know that this probably isn't the most accurate appraisal of the situation, but what else do you want me to conclude after taking a bath in a gallon of old coffee someone decided would be a good candidate for the trash can for the third time in a row. It's not a terribly fun job. In fact, its downright horrid, but it pays the bills. As a result of this job I leave home at 7 am and return at ~11pm...LONG DAYS. I don't have time for anything else but sleeping when I am home. So, if I haven't talked you to my friends for a while or are late getting something to you...you know why.

It is currently ~11:16pm on a friday night and I am headed to bed. Wow, what a rousing life I live. Everyone else is out partying like squirrels on speed and here I too exhausted to reach across my desk to drink the last of my thai tea...pathetic.

2006-06-18T23:07:00.000-04:00

So, this is my first blog. I have no idea what the crap I am going to be writing about but hey...seemed like a good idea at the time. I will proabably write about randomn meanful things I think other people might want to know about...or not.

Without any clue on how to start a blog....I will post a picture of my new neice. Everybody likes pictures of little babies so here ya go. I am so excited to be an uncle cause this kid is definately after my own heart. Fresh out bed with the tongue stuck out to the world. Yeehaa!